Sunday, February 15, 2009

catastrophic failure.

I think 猫(Neko/Cat) by つばき (Tsubaki) is quite a bitter (???) song. I think la... Can't fully understand it yo! haha

But I really like that one line in it 「この世界は君のもの」. I'm taking it out of context of the song, of course, but just as it is, "Kono sekai wa kimi no mono"... sort of translates to "This is your world"...

I really like it... Because it's like that English saying "The world is your oyster".... And it's like saying, "hey, this is your world, do what you want, do what you can because this world is yours"-- such endless possibilities....

------------

From:
To: "Robbie McEvoy"


hey you.

thought I'd write this to you.

i still want to write my book.

haha..

that was random huh?

i think many parts of me has been lost in the shuffle in the past few years. it's unfortunate i just can't throw in the towel and call it a day. just take what comes my way instead of being still always the dreamer. it'd be so much easier that way. in fact, i'd probably have been more successful that way. probably some renowned malaysian journalist by now haha.. I am serious though. i can see my dad's rationale, how easy it would be for me to make it in this country.

yet my aim is not to stay, but to leave, and thus. I don't want. I don't want all those. I want what I want but that's getting me nowhere. It's like, since coming home, hell even before I took that flight out of LAX, with every decision I take, more mistakes are made. In fact I feel like I'm shooting myself in the foot each day. That I'm burning down every bridge my dad had so painstakingly and sacrificially built for me.

i can only see my friends rising and soaring, taking a bite out of a portion of this world that is theirs, and then there is me, and I am groping in the dark.

sometimes between here and there, the tomorrow of a realized dream, i just can't see the way.

and.. I'm not afriad, but I am just frustrated at myself that I am so stupid to keep nailing my own coffin-- or that's what i think too, you know?

It's like you know how life is so endless, there could be so much more, but I am nowhere... And that which I can take and grab for myself, I am not, I am pushing them all away as if they were infectious disease.

And even I myself think that I am stupid for choosing the path I am choosing.

It's hard to live with yourself that way, ya know.


I just want to believe that I am not gambling my life on a losing bet.

I just want to believe that though I am stupid, though this choice is absolutely ridiculous, I WANT TO BELIEVE that, one day, I will be proved right-- that this choice would prove to be the right one...

Because I don't quite want riches, I don't want fame, hell, I don't even want a well paying career, you know?

I just want a life less ordinary.

a life less ordinary that I am proud of, a life less ordinary that I am proud of saying that I have lived and I am happy.

That's really all I want.


And spinning all these into that gamble.

I wonder if I am right, or am I just plain stupid. Unrealistic. Still in my own dream world.

I want to believe this is right.

But I can't help but feel everyday that I got it so very wrong.

And I have set myself up for failure.


Is it really better to have tried and failed for that which you love, than to never have even tried at all?

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