ひとりの夜もそばにいようぜ　君と僕の歌を歌う

well... SORRY AGAIN for the lack of update huh!!!!

Anyway, today was the first day of teaching for the CELTA course.... and you know what? I really, really miss having the opportunity to teach foreign students.

I know I only taught a 30 minute time slot today but I really, really miss being in that environment... Actually, I really miss the students... The eagerness in them to want to learn English, just the sheer attention they give and their desire to learn, just simply overwhelms me... Overwhelms me so much that I feel so sad I am unable to help them...

And even through a 30 minute session, you could identify the weaker students and my heart really goes out to them to want to help them. But as my own trainer told me, "Elaine, you can't help everyone, especially not in a CELTA extra class."

But I feel that's so sad. I really, really feel that's so sad-- And that is part of the aspect of this whole Teaching Practice I need to try to get my head around-- is that these sessions are NOT for the students per-say, but more so, they are for me.


But, in my true nature, I just find it so, restrictive, that I am worrying more about the evaluation of my trainer, and about my own performance and my standard (am I saying the right things? am I speaking too much, too long?), than actually thinking about the needs of the students. Although, the class feedback was that I had managed to connect with the students on a personal basis, I just feel that, the class lesson was so much more about me than it was about the students- which is really something that doesn't resound in my heart...

YES, I believe I have to be more aware of my teaching, so that, I am actually able to teach and help the students better-- But, I really, really want to strike a balance with both-- That I don't want those Teaching Practice to just be about me and how I am gonna achieve the lesson aims or if I achieved the lesson aims, I really want the session, too, to be a session where I can help the students---

Albeit, yes, I understand that I won't be able to help everyone through just the CELTA extra class in a 30 minute session, BUT because the students signed up for this extra class in hopes of getting more opportunities to improve, I believe we owe them that much to make their effort worth it. They're not guinea pigs, you know? They're students. Students who signed up because they have a desire to learn, and a desire to improve. We, as teachers, or as wannabe teachers, owe them that much to not just think about ourselves in our lessons.


I felt really sad today, looking at the Iranian student as he struggled for the words to explain what he wanted to do-- yet he was there, making every effort and trying his best to improve himself--- I felt really sad, because..... he's not my student. Because I can't help him.


I don't know.... I have to do a student profile and language analysis of the student, so that I can analyze their language errors, make supported argument as to why they have those errors and also recommendation to them on how to improve. I have one Japanese student in class and of course, naturally, I took her up for the report.... It's a language analysis paper, after all, and since I am more familiar with her native language, I'd be able to analyze better. Also, since I'd like to teach Japanese students too, I thought it'd be good to analyze common language errors that they experience due to the nature of their native language and background.

But actually, NORMALLY, I would be VERY interested in taking up the Japanese student, but today, actually.... I really feel compelled to actually take up an Iranian student for the profile instead (actually, I think 60% of the students at British Council are middle eastern or Iranian) because, there are like two Iranian fellas in the class (I have 7 but these two stood out), and these guys were really like shy at first, but like you know, funny-- But I was just amused with them because they really want to improve in their English, they were THERE, they CAME, and were participating in class and they were abit shy, but willing to learn-- But they were weak, you know? And I feel so much in my heart this wish and desire to just be able to help them-- for the fact that they were there and they want to be better-- I really wish I could help them.

And like I said, the other two Iranian men. These grown men, all so big hahahahha... But, you know, I felt my heart just go out to this guy Ali (also Iranian), when he stood there, trying to take out the worksheet I gave him, then he wanted to ask for another extra blank one. And he wanted to explain to me he wanted to do something with the worksheet (like to check the grammar and stuff), but he just couldn't say it because he didn't know how to say it. And I could jut feel my heart wishing so much I had the time and the skills and talent and the language and ability needed to just help these students-- Like I wish I really, really can just all pull them aside and say "OKAY! I will help all of you! Whatever time I have..." Because they're all just so eager to learn but seems like they just don't have much opportunity to do so.

AND then, you have this man from Myanmar, when you ask him "why do you want to learn English?" and "what do you want to do in the future?" he answers, "To be a good father." --- gosh, how can you NOT want to drop everything you're doing, pull him aside and teach him 15 hours a day for free so that he can improve and be a good father??


Sometimes, I wonder, what really is the right method of teaching you know? Is there really a hard and fast rule about it? Is it really true that we should minimize teacher talk time and maximize student talk time as being the best way for students to learn? Do I restrict myself from the need of explaining too much just because teacher talking is not good? Maybe less words would be better? What is the right way, you know?

I really want to know.

And I really want to do it.

How can I suit my own style of teaching to this model?

How can I intergrate this methodology into my own style so that I most comfortable teaching and the students are able to benefit the best?

How can I?

I really want to know.

And I really want to do it.


Is it condescending for me to think that I can help them?

I don't know, maybe in some way, some people can feel that way...

-- But I think today, I discovered that really inside me, I think, maybe, and I pray dear God, I found this one thing I can feel my heart having a burden and a desire to do: I really, really want to help these students. And I hope, in my heart of hearts, even though I am not a native speaker of English, I would be able to have an opportunity through my life's career, to help students who seek to learn and improve their English.



Sigh... I miss the students, I really do, I really do.


My tutor asked me, "Where did you get that energy from?"

I guess part of me was the nervousness!!! muahahahahhahahahahaha

Part of it is how I am....

But really, I really think it's the students.


You know on Tuesday, I was praying while I was walking to British Council, I told God that part of me don't even know what i am doing. The most important thing about teaching, actually, is having a burning desire to want to teach. ANd to tell you the truth, ever since SriKDU, I have lost all the desire of it-- so much that sometimes even thinking about teaching just makes me go "Bleh", like you can literally see a candle's fire being blown out in an instant in my heart "poof!" when i even think of the concept of teaching to a group of students.

But, today, being in there with the student and seeing their faces, I think, something inside me really called out to it. Something somewhere very deep inside my heart, was really stirred-- was really moved.

I really want to help the students-- And I want to be a good teacher not so I can be a good teacher, but I want to be a good teacher so that my students can best improve through their interaction and relationship with me-- that I might be the bridge through which can walk on to head towards their goals and their desires. Because THAT is the most important. And THAT to me, is what teaching is about.


I still don't know if I can, I still don't know if I am good enough to do it, I still don't know if I have what it takes, I still don't know if I will ever be able to be what is needed to be a good teacher, I still don't know if I will pass the test of fire--

But I certainly want to do my best.

Not for myself, but most certainly for those whom we owe it to give our very best: the students.