There's something fatalistic about that line.
but i feel that so much these days.
i'm so scared. and i feel so dishearted. i feel so sad because i don't seem to qualify for anything and I don't seem to be good enough for anything. and i feel like I'm not making the situation any better. I feel like I'm shooting myself in the foot and I'm scared I've dug myself into this huge immense hole I can't crawl back out from. I'm really scared I fucked up and I can't get back out.
I feel like every advantage my father has given me, with time and mistakes I'm piling on, is eroding any form of advantage my dad had worked so hard to give me. And sometimes... even with that advantage given me, I don't feel like I'm good enough for anything. I'm too young, too inexperienced, yet at the same time, already too damn old to keep trying to materialize illusions.
I don't know what is right anymore. Part of me I'm so scared I just want to hold on tight and not fuck up or try for what I love. The other part of me feel really unhappy and wish I could try to do something that I love, that I want to do, to find my meaning in this life, to make this life something I love and am happy with... But, I'm so scared because I just feel like the more I try or want to pursue my dreams or whatever it is, i just feel like I am shooting myself in the foot. I just can't help but feel that.
I feel like I'm reaching out so hard for smoke. And I feel like I'm just not good enough to get anything-- Even if I chased my dreams-- I'm just not good enough to get it.... Because I've tried and I'm trying-- but I'm failing.
So i'm here, I feel..... What i can hold onto as secure, I'm fucking up- What I want to achieve, I'm not good enough-- I'm fucking up what I can do for that something that I can't get. And I'm trying so hard at it, to achieve that something, to get that something that I just feel so disheartened and know in my heart of hearts that I can't get.
crashing my car everyday the same way, basically. and know you're crippling yourself with every move and yet still going on doing it.
Is it stupid, to give up what you have, just to try for that one thing that you only have a 0.001 chance of getting?
Fucking stupid.
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