ひとりの夜もそばにいようぜ　君と僕の歌を歌う

I think the greatest crime that one can do to oneself is to live a lie.

And everyday I feel that.

I don't know if my students are the one making me feel that. But everyday I feel that. That I'm such a lie.


I don't feel that it's a terrible job at SriKDU. But, I feel, so much, that I'm just not suited for this job. Whether I suck as a teacher is another thing, I have the heart to be one, I really do want to help the students, but I know I totally don't have the personality suited for it.

It feels, everyday, like I am dragging myself through a bed of nails. That everyday, I am forcing myself to swim in boiling oil. It's like, I know the skin of me, is totally not right for what I put myself through each day.

Before, teaching felt... doable. Like, it was still something that I wanted to do and something I know I could do.

But now, everyday, it feels like such a lie I am living.


Is this what it means to suffocate? Because I feel that everyday.

I don't hate my job, hell, if you want to say, I don't even hate my students, but what I hate is the feeling of everyday as I clock in, I know it's such a lie. Like, I'm buying time in something I shouldn't even be doing.

And, it's not anything but I feel bad because I feel like, I am not helping the students. Worse yet is that I don't know how to help them at all. It's like everyday feels like a fucking failure, and a further fall down the spiral. Coz it's not even not being able to help the weak students, but rather, I'm even fucking up the good students, and that's like.... fucking shit!!!


I don't know what to do except to hope for a way out. Or hope that things would get better.

I like the complacency that this job allows, but the more I feel like "Okay, we just need to get through this one cause this job's relatively easy", the more I feel like such a fucking lie.

You can't, elaine, you can't go on cheating the kids. And you can't go on cheating yourself. Of what you should do, what you were meant to do. Only because this feels the most comfortable to do. You can't, you can't do that.

How much time must I buy for Japan's sake?

Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it. To squeeze your entire world and future into that one desire.

Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it?

Sometimes, I wonder if, maybe, it is by letting go I would be able to achieve...


Today's tune: Tsubaki - Kinou no Kaze (Yesterday's Wind) (Because i feel like this song... whatever it means...)
今日の一曲：つばき － 昨日の風




できるなら笑って　ありふれた日常を
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