ひとりの夜もそばにいようぜ　君と僕の歌を歌う

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
i'm going to sleep

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
but i just want to say that

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
life can be better, you know, than what it is now

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
this was not what i had imagined and this is not where i wanted to be... i don't know how it became this, but it did.. I'm not dealing too well with it because i am simply too tired and exhausted and busy to think beyond the next hour.

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
i wish i was back there. but that is a luxury to fantasized and wish these days because it doesn't change anything.

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
and with every passing day, the memories that keeps me happy and reminds me that there is another life than this, is slipping and fading further away... and i feel like it was all more of a ghost image than it was a reality

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
i want something else, but i don't know what is it that i want. and these days, i don't know how i fucked myself up so badly, sunk so fucking low, that i let everyone else step on me

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
i have become... pathetic...

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
and i know in my heart of hearts that i can't blame my friends for thinking that I am pathetic and a loser... because... I am.

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
And i've allowed myself to be that way.

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
i've allowed my life to be that.

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
and i've allowed my friends, people, to treat me like that.

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
and i seem to be wallowing in it, even..

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
I don't know man.

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
i don't know what to feel anymore.... because i am too exhausted to feel anything.

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
and my brains is too tired to want to think anymore, except the next lesson i have to teach and how to teach it for the hour.

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
I guess this is how people die. Die without knowing they were dying.

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
Well i know I am dying. Yet.. i persist

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
I persist because i do like my students.

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
but every other bullshit..

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
i just feel like dying... collapsing... shutting down... falling out... putting a bullet through my head, or foot, whichever that would kick start my brains enough to get through the next hour...

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
I just want to stop. I just want to sit. I just want to have a little time to breathe. I just want to listen to Lunkhead and remember what it's like to live. What it's like to be truly happy.. Just because.

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
And the whole fucking world doesn't even seem to care.

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
becauses they say i am complaining

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
because they'll say that this is part and parcel of life... which it is.

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
because they say that i should just shut up if i am not going to do somethign about it.

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
tell me, what can i do? what can i do when i don't even have the strength to go through the next minute? when I can't even breathe or be alert at that very moment?

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
what can i do?

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
i want to say fuck you to all those who think it's so simple just to let everything go-- because sometimes, life doesn't offer such simple solutions anymore-- and it's plain immaturity to think it does.

Luis... Michelle... I miss you says:
then again... maybe it's fuck you to me... because i always make things so heavy and emotional and complicated.. when maybe, just maybe, it's as simple as just.... letting go.


There's too much work at work but there's always too much work at work no matter where you work. I have 5 hours of continuous classes to teach almost everyday, rush from one class to another, switch caps from one class to another, it may all be english but it's a whole different class and different lesson and different material and different preperation to teach, STAND for five frigging hours... On top of that i have to do admin work, coordinate with other lecturers in the departemnt to help MrsT, think of paperwork, do record book, PREPARE LESSON PLANS (which means I have to do it OUTSIDE of college hours), mark papers, plan out COURSE OUTLINE, prepare exam papers, crack my head to entertain the kids, VISION WORK ADVERTIZING SETTING DEADLINES MAKING SURE THAT THERE ARE REPORTERS MAKING SURE THAT WE HAVE A MAGAZINE AT THE END OF THE YEAR, DEALING WITH AND KEEPING TRACK OF AND CALLING UP ADVERTIZERS, then you have stupid Cocurriculum shit like Sports Carnival waste of fucking time... DOWN TO FUCKING HAVING TO UNLOCK CLASSROOM DOORS. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!!!!

DON'T THE FUCKING ADMIN PEOPLE REALIZE THAT I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO EXPERIENCE NO RESOURCE TO DO THIS???????????????????? WHERE THE HELL DO THEY THINK I COME OUT WITH THE LESSONS??? FROM MY NON EXISTING PREVIOUS WORKING EXPERIENCE???????????? WHAT THE FUCK!!!! You want me to do a million other fucking thigns and you want me to teach and you want me to give my best to my students??? LIKE HOW THE FUCK DO I DO THAT??? I don't even have time to fucking breathe sometimes and you want me to figure all these shit out and STILL do more fucking admin work.... AND SOLVE ANY OTHER FUCKING TINY SHIT PROBLEMS that arise. WTF.

Tell me how, how the fuck, do you expect me to think about my life? Think about quitting?? YEAH, with what time??? With what mental capacity?!!! I don't even have the strength to think or to go on to the next hour and you want me to contemplate about quitting????

And yes, I hate thi fucking job but i do love my students, and THAT is why i am not leaving, it's for the students, you know...... THAT, and also, i want to save up money to leave this country later... and unemployment sucks resources.

Every job has its shittiness. I understand. That is why i dont' quit either coz nothing gurantees that the next job won't suck even more-- you can't just flit from job to job you know--

and my greatest problem is that i just don't know how to get from HERE to what i truly want to do in life.

God please... I want to do something that love and I am happy in... NOT try to dig through the dirt and mud to find something to love and happy with... I dont' want that.. I don't want to do that anymore because it is very very very very tiring and very exausting and I am Tired Lord, and I am very Exhausted Lord, and this is not even the beginging of it yet...

I just want to be happy and be happy with what I am doing.


Justin says:
I know you're probably gonna be asleep by the time you get this, but I want to at least reply to you and let you know that, at least you know. You know how you feel and that this life is just strangling you, and you're doing all you can do now just to make it. You can only do what you can do, and that's all anyone can expect of you.

Justin says:
and you can see how you were feeding on all the negativity that you not only felt for yourself, but that you received as well, and it just isn't good or healthy, but it is perfectly normal in your situation. You've become a teacher, and your students are your lifeline, your strength, and if I know you you're doing the best you can do to be the best teacher they've had, and if that's what you need

Justin says:
to be able to keep on, then Elaine, run with it! Do what you've gotta do so that you can survive and hold on to that part of you that was so awesome. The part of you that got to live and breathe and enjoy life. Don't lose that part, and things should go far more smoothly.

Justin says:
and while I don't know what you're going through personally, you promised not to die on me, remember? We've gotta hang out sometime, remember? So hold on! We've got some serious hanging out to do sometime, ya know?

Justin says:
I wish I could stay up late like before and chat with you 1on1 instead of like this, but I just can't anymore. I don't have the energy to stay up like that, but I'm glad to have the opportunity to even just say 'hi' to you

Justin says:
but that doesn't matter, because you're stuck. You're in the forest and you can see plenty of trees, you just can't find the way out to sweet, sweet civilization. But one day you will, and I hope you can take some comfort in that

Justin says:
if you can not forget all the good times you had, then you may just have some more, or even better times, in the future. A future that hopefully we can both take part in my friend



Thanks Justin, I needed that =)