into the void

i had a fight with him 2 days ago. it wasn't a fight but one of those heavy emotional talks. i was crying and i told him how i felt. not everything but partially. though everything i said came out wrong. but i told him i felt stupid. he asked me if I was jealous, but jealousy my friend, is such a messy feeling... it's never entirely all so clear cut, but how do i explain to him?

I want to destroy your happiness. HER happiness.

Such evil emotions, such an ugly feeling jealousy is. I think it's the most wreched feeling one can ever have.


But... it's not entirely about that.


He asked me, "what can i do so you won't feel like you're being used?"... It's not as if he gave a fuck or meant those words, but what can I say? Don't treat me like I'm your bitch anymore? Don't be such an asshole to me?

It's not like he can see how he's been treating me wrong. And I know he will say, "you're not even my girlfriend, why should i treat you nicer?"

Perhaps all i can say to that is "you should do it out of fucking common curtesy."


So i kept my mouth shut.


But i realized that day that perhaps the change isn't suppose to come from him but from me.

But I also realized that I have no fucking clue in this. I am completely utterly confused, incapable, unable.


You remember that time, when I liked Kevin. And he invited me out to a club one day in Seri Kembangan, I went with Debby and I got lost there. Kevin came like an hour late and I was completely lost.
That night I was incredibly totally mad at him and I scolded him and hung up on him and left the place.
But as I was driving and crying, as I always do, I decided to drive to his house and leave some muffins I had brought with me for him...

Debby could not understand why I did that.

BUT that is EXACTLY how I am.

And that is EXACTLY what I have totally been with him. Everyday, it's been like that.

No matter how much I hurt, how much I cry, how much I am dying inside seeing him, being with him, and seeing him touch and hold and love his girlfriend, how much he ignores me, uses me, misuses me.... I fucking go back.


Sometimes, i wonder if he is an asshole or I am the ass that created the asshole.

Sometimes I feel, he is the moster because I am the one who created him.

For those who are still following this page..

"مرحبا"

I know I haven't written in a long time but that's because I guess I really don't know how to put into words what I have been feeling for the past two months or more.

And everytime I do have a thought formulated, the feeling of it changes in the wake of another dawn.

Everyday since meeting him has really, really, really been a wrecking experience of how fucked up I am and how fucked up I can be.

It has taught me the depths of stupidity I can sink myself into, and the extent to which I can masochistically continue to hurt myself despite seeing the truth.

And everyday, I am fluctuating between strength and peace to utter confusion, pain, hate jealousy, depression and dispair- all within the same 10 waking hours... Or make that every 5 minutes.

Sometimes I don't even know why I continue doing it when all feelings is gone. Sometimes, the feelings come back. Sometimes there's no reason, yet I do it. Sometimes I don't even want to do it anymore yet I continue to do it without reason or feelings.

What have I become, my sweetest friend?

I hope someday I'll five the strength and words to write here what had
transpired.

But perhaps, it shall never be said.

Los Angeles, Riverside, Calif., Tampa, Fla., and Buffalo, N.Y., round out the top five cities where it's hardest to get by. While Riverside and Tampa are foreclosure hotspots, and Buffalo is a fading Rust Belt city, Los Angeles is a somewhat surprising chart topper.

The median income in Los Angeles is a bit higher than the national average at $56,680, the cost of living is very high--48 points above the national average--and unemployment is 10.2%. Los Angeles County lost 41,900 jobs in 2008, and it's projected to lose 89,000 more in 2009, according to local officials. Most of the job losses were in retail, manufacturing and construction, just as they were in Providence


hmmm hmmm... oh my....

But well... LA I can understand but RIVERSIDE???? Dude the last I checked, there was NOTHING in Riverside! Or am I getting my cities mixed up??

So yeah, along with STD stuff...

I was listening to a whole bunch of old bands today... Movielife, Saves the Day, Taking Back Sunday, Dashboard Confessional, Jimmy Eat World, The Format... and it really, really, really, really, realy reminded of all my friends and the things and memories of America...

I really missed all those great time, you know, going for shows...

I'm really serious, I really do think that my experience of America was so wonderful is because I went for all those shows and I guess for the first time in my life, I really, really, really truly did have a time of my life.

I miss it very very very much, especially on days like these..... And at times, I really wonder if I should have left at all... that perhaps it would have been better to have just been a secretary in Boston for the next 5 years... Because at least, then, I could have still gone for shows whenever I wanted to....

I really wonder sometimes if it was ever wise coming back...

And I always wonder if I traded in one dream for another...

Because I really did trade America, left America, for Japan.

Today, I had a sudden craving to listen to "Kelly Song" by The Movielife, so i dug out the old external drive and up the song into the itouch.... Along with it I also uploaded Saves The Day stuff too!

Anyway, SAVES THE DAY IS AN AMAZING BAND DUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Man, I Really REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY miss singing out, screaming out and ROCKING OUT with songs man!!! Seriously!!!

Dude, my music completely lacks English music. I realized that of the 500 songs in the iTouch I have less than 20 English songs dude.

I mean, I love Japanese music and all that and I love Lunkhead and Tsubaki and Art-School and Syrup16g and Sekaiichi and all those bands but DUDE, I think nothing beats totally rocking out and singing your heart out with the words of a song!!! Seriously!! I Really miss that!!!

I mean, I think you can memorize lyrics after awhile even if you can't understand what you're singing... But it's just different.. Different to just sing it out and sing what you mean and just fall in love with the words and the tune and the awesomeness of the song in its entirety.


THAT SAID THOUGH.........

I was thinking to myself when I was listening to Firefly's bridge... when Chris sings...

"To me you are the light from a light bulb that breaks sometimes
and the tender warmth inside is released into my life
and it smothers me in flames that lick and scorch my face.
As the smoke reaches the sky know I'm burning tonight."

I thought these words are just simply so damn awesome.... So damn well written you know??? Just amazing...

I really, really, really miss lyrics like these!!!

Don't get me wrong, I am sure the Japanese bands I listen to has kicked out something as great and amazing (Lunkhead's Tsuki to Tenohira dude!!!), but I can't understand them...

ANd it just felt wonderful to understand such amazing words and more amazing to hear them...

And I thought to myself, "man, I should check out English bands again"

BUT THEN, THE REALIZATION STRUCK ME AT THAT MOMENT.

I can't check out English bands.

I think it doesn't matter whether I understand the language.

I think, that era is over, you know? That era of the glory of old Saves the Day, old Taking Back Sunday, old Brand New.... They're all OVER. And that was the glory. THESE SONGS are all there is.

And it's very naive of me to think I can just go online and check out bands and expect to find something as awesome again.

I'm dead wrong.

I won't find them.

Cause THAT was the best that it got.

And these are the only songs that there is.



Anyway, I guess that's the realization that i got today...

I always want to check out new bands (English bands anyway), hoping that there would be some gem, like those of the former glory days... But I never realized until today that music does change and music does evolve (or... degenerate)... And thus, when something is over, it's over, that glory and that beauty won't be able to be recaptured when it's gone.


So, yeah, I guess Firely, Sell My Old Clothes I'm Off To Heaven, Nightingale, Freakish, This Is Not An Exit, are all we have!

Sometimes I feel I have followed one dream to the seclusion of all else.

Sometimes I feel that tunnel vision has, in fact, kept me from actually going further, going to more places, and doing even better and more wonderful things I am capable of doing.


I guess that letter I wrote the other day really did define quite accurately what I feel I have done to my life. Even if it was entirely written in Japanese, it was quite accurate actually...

この暗さの中で、よく考えている。もしかしたらほかの生き方があったかもしれません。この世界はたくさん色々な事ができます。そしてこの人生はたいへん大切な物で、この世界はもっと大切なするべき事があります。神様は私にこの人生をくれたということは、ぜったい私はより大切なしているべき事があるとおもんです。

 

でも、私はぜんぶその選択をしませんでした。よりいい仕事ができたかもしれませんが、私は英語の先生になる事を選びました。

 

それはライブがたいへん好きですから。

 

不確かな夢でも、日本へ行きたいんです。

 

今もたくさん他の事をできますが、私は日本に行きたい。ライブに行きたいですから。LIVEに日本に行きたい事のために、一生のプランは立てられます。それは私のバカな夢だよね。

 

When I met Aki-san and we were both talking about our lives, we were wondering, did we get it wrong?

Sometimes I feel I have got it all wrong.


My dad has always said that to me, that my brother and I are always so blind and so stubborn. We want one thing and we just want that one thing alone and we can't see everything else that's even better, perhaps, and in the end, we find ourselves unhappy, not using our full potential--

I KNOW my brother and I can be so much more. Hell, I know I can be so, so, so much more-- I really could have come home and pursued Journalism or even PR, and I know I would have been damn good at it. I know by now I would have published tons of news articles my mom can tell her friends about, and hell, who knows, I am sure by now I would have even been an editor or a writer in some great music magazine. Or, if I had done PR, I am damn well sure I could have done it amazingly. I know I would be making damn alot of money now too, and probably could secure a job in Singapore or whatever.

But I have singlemindedly stuck to a course in life that I HOPE and I PRAY would get me to Japan. Not even know why I want to go there! I have singlemindedly pursue this path. Thrown myself into ESL (English as Second Language) teaching where being Malaysian in itself, I am already put BELOW par as a non-native speaker of English.

It's like, I could have conquered a mountain by now. With all the advantages of the education my father has given me and my Heavenly Father has blest me with, with the advantage I already have, I could have just been plopped close to the top of the mountain and only needed to try a little harder and I'd be on top. IF I had pursued Journalism or PR.

BUT NO!!! I want to be a damn ESL teacher, which by the default of my BIRTH and my SKIN COLOR, I have cursed myself to the mire at the BOTTOM of a frigging mud hill I have to slough my way up that damn hill.

THAT is EXACTLY how I feel everyday, you know?

The impossiblity of the struggle. The stupidity of my choice. The unfairness of life. The regret of not being something I know I would have been queen. Yet still, I am so obdurate with the choice I have chosen, the path I have taken, the believe I have embraced.


Why?

Simply because I thought I saw a dream.

And because of that, I just couldn't see anything else, or some other way, actually, that could even get me there more easily.



Elaine (Teh), when you were back and we were driving to Suet Nee's house and you told me that you admire what I was doing, because of my dedecation to my "dream"... That back in Boston and till now, I am still pursuing the SAME path I had chosen back then three years ago.

It was the first time I had EVER seen what I am doing as something admirable. Because I had NEVER felt that way. I never felt that this tunnel vision could be seen a dedication.

I don't know if I'm right.

I don't know if you're right.

But I really want to believe in your belief.

I really want to see the realization of my dream--

Because I want to believe in my dream.

I want to believe in my belief that if you believe in the possibilities in life and you try hard enough for it, you too can achieve it.

I want to believe in that.

I want my belief to be true.

For it to be true, for what I believe in to be proved right, my dream has to come true.


Otherwise, I guess, I am just the biggest fool.

Well... My course at British Council is ending next week. That went pretty fast, huh? Feeling sad about it... Like everything else, I suppose, it's the end of something...

Anyway, here's the playlist of the songs for the past few months. Songs that lighted the rides on the crowded train in the mornings and songs that accompanied the nights when I went to Kimura-san's class. Songs of the past months of transient life in the city...

I guess, I still like the city better.


君はいま光の中に - Art-School
24Reverse - 凛として時雨
僕が君だったら - Art-School
水の中のナイフ - Art-School
花の名(ALWAYS 続・三丁目の夕日」主題歌) - Bump of Chicken
完璧な庭 - People In The Box
海抜0m - People In The Box
She hates December - People In The Box
マザー - 藍坊主
夏の終わり、- セカイイチ
我要找到你 - 一水扬
Tiny Vessels - Death Cab for Cutie
Jangan Lupakan - Nidji
California 2005 - Phantom Planet
童话 - 光良
片道キップ - つばき
グッドモーニング - つばき
三月 - Lunkhead
月と手のひら - Lunkhead
キセキ - GReeeeN
ミソラ - セカイイチ
一度だけ - People In The Box
何十年後かに「君」と出会っていなかったあなたに向けた歌 - RADWIMPS
鏡 - The Back Horn
少年季 - セツナブルースター
四度目の青春 - セツナブルースター
ウィークエンド - hare-brained unity
DISCO LIGHTS - hare-brained unity


Only TWO English songs =__=

At least I got 2 Chinese songs there too! And even an Indonesian song! ahahahaha...

You got how many bills to pay
And how many kids
And you forgot about
The things that we did
The town where we're living
Has made you a man
And all of your dreams
Are washed in the sand

Well it's alright
It's alright
Who are you and me to say
What's wrong and what's right
Do you still feel like me
We sit down here
And we shall see
We can talk
And find common ground
And we can just forget
About feeling down
We can just forget
About life in this town.

It's funny how your dreams
Change as you're growing old
You don't wanna be no spaceman
You just want gold
All the dream stealers
Are lying in wait
But if you wanna be a spaceman
It's still not too late

Well it's alright
And It's alright
Who are you and me to say
What's wrong and what's right
Do you still feel like me
We sit down here

And we shall see
We can talk
And find common ground
And we can just forget
About feeling down
We can just forget
About life in this town.


So over the weekend I met a guy from Japan, Aki, who has been cycling around Asia for the past six months. He started cycling last October from Hong Kong to China to Laos to Cambodia to Vietnam to Thailand and now in Malaysia and tomorrow to Singapore.

I met him through Sarah (my CELTA trainer in the British Council) who met Aki while she was cycling with her husband in Vietnam in December.

Anyway, on Saturday I took Aki out to Batu Caves and around town. It was a really, really enjoyable day, actually. One of the most enjoyable in a long time. I guess it's because we got to talk alot, also. Actually! It was the first time in my life I spoke almost entirely in Japanese for almost the entire day! It was really tiring!! Yes, climbing Batu Caves, driving through horrible traffic around town, AND speaking in Japanese the whole day!

Anyway, we went to Batu Caves ANDDDDD I managed to climb all 272 steps without dying... For him who has cycled for more than 6000km it's a stroll in the park, of course!!! But dude, I almost died! lol... Anyway, it's damn weird but what happened to the whole colony of monkeys at Batu Caves. There weren't ANY AT ALL on the steps up!! And there were barely 5 of them at the top part of the temple... WEIRD!

Anyway, after surviving the climb and the descent, we're talking about me of course, I then took him back to BU for lunch at Banana Leaf. Yeah okay, boring me, I hardly ever go out, so i had no idea what nice place to take him yo!!!!

Over lunch we got to talk about various things. About what I liked doing, about what we thought about life, about why he was on this journey, about what I want to do with my life, about what he believes in life and what I believed to, and just about.... whether we could both be so damn wrong in the end.

We talked till about four, I think, then I asked if he wanted to go somewhere else. We decided to go to Petaling Street, so I drove us there. In Petaling Street we went around looking for food. He likes sweet things, so we were looking for various sweet things to eat. We kept talking and it was really nice, I suppose. Quite tourisy for me, actually.

But it's very interesting to note that most of the store sellers in Petaling Street are now foreign workers, like Bangladeshi workers. I think there were less than a dozen stores manned by Chinese, actually. And also, I'm just amaze like how these sellers know that Aki is Japanese! Coz after 6 months on the road under the blazing sun, he barely looks Japanese anymore! But when we walk past a shop, the sellers just automatically go "Master! Chotto matte!!" wth....

Anyway, I wanted Aki to try those white peanut ball thing (the one covered in flour), but we couldn't find it in Petaling Street. So i called Jarod to ask if there was a pasar malam at Bangsar. We were in luck and there was one in Bangsar (in retrospect, maybe we should have gone to the one in Taman Megah).

So, I drove and we went there. It was raining then so we decided to stop at a coffee shop to have a drink first. So we sat there and talked again.

And I really enjoyed our conversations. ALTHOUGH they WERE 90% in Japanese, actually, and 30% of the time he had to complete my sentences or paraphrase my sentences so we both have the same idea what was being said. But I really enjoyed our coversations.

I guess I was talking about Japan alot and because of that, I was talking alot about my dreams and what I believed in life. And here was this guy who is living an amazing life, a total life less ordinary, extraordinary, actually... And I suppose he thinks alot of what he's doing too... And it leaves the both of us wondering, I suppose, did we get it right in the end.

When everyone else is building up a life out of bricks with career, money, family, house, car... Here we were shacking our life up with straw and hay, not even knowing where our "place" is. Where do we belong? Where do we want to settle? Just somewhere in our hearts we know we have got to go... I guess, more so for Aki than for me. I guess i just want to go to Japan, you know, for my own stupid reasons. But for him, I don't think the world is large enough for him.. and his bike!

But that is our dream. It's not the money or the career or the family or the house (though the money TOTALLY facilitates the realization of our dream). But that's not how we think.

We want something else.

And as he said, "いい経験" (Good experience).

I guess that's what we want.

Do we?

I want to work in Shinjuku Tower Records (which Aki said is a VERY VERY VERY VERY INCREADIIIIIIIIIBLY SMALLLLLLLLLLLL dream!!! lol).

But, that's what we want.

Good Experience.


Could we be wrong?

Maybe.

I guess we could be wrong.

But i want to believe in my dreams. I want to believe in it. As stupid, as ridiculous, as much as ALLLLLL my friends and my ever-practical UNCLE LEONG always, always say to me "Elaine, wake up to the REAL WORLD".

No, I WANT to BELIEVE in my dream.

Even if it's stupid. Impractical. Dumb.

I want to believe in it.
I want to hold on to it.
I want to believe that one day it can come true.
God, God, I want to believe that it is going to come true.

For that one, just one tiny speck of undying-logic-defying hope, I hold on to it, I want to believe in it, and just everyday, every moment, against the gargantuan wall of doubt, this damn tiny flicker of illogical hope, I continue to trudge on, as painful, as depressing, as hopeless I feel sometimes... I refuse to give up. I refuse to let go. I refuse to throw in the towel. I refuse to let life get the better of me. I refuse to lose.

I want to believe I too can win.

I really want to believe, dear God, I too can get in. One day perhaps. One day, soon, I REALLY REALLY hope.

I guess, I REALLY REALLY REALLY believe that even if it's stupid and even to me it seems IMPOSSIBLE most of the time, actually, somehow somewhere in me, I think I am really crazy because I actually believe it can come true.

And I think that is why, I NEVER gave up. Because I stupidly actually believe that it can come true.


I guess, we're demented dreamers.

But Aki-san has really inspired me. Not inspired me in the sense that I think that because he can live his dream, mine can happen too. No, I think his is different from mine, and I am constantly negative and doubtful and worried about my own future.

But he has inspired me in the sense that, it's the first time in my life, I had met someone who has really done something so extraordinary. To have spent six months on the road, on a bike, traversing across this continent-- it's as if it's the first time in my life I have met someone so.... indescribable. Someone, who lives a life less ordinary.

I suppose, that is why Aki-san inspired me. Because his story is not one I read in magazine, but for the first time in my life, I met a person in flesh and blood, who has spent his whole life so doing this, living so differently.

It takes alot of motivation to cycle 7000 km you know?!


I guess some will dream to be doctors, will work incredibly hard to be doctors.

Some will live their life less ordinary building smart tunnels, moving from scholarships to scholarships from UK to US to Antartica.

Some will settle for a well-paying job, happy with their family, and see the world through the well earned perk of yearly overseas company trips.

Some will thrive in their profession and live through life less ordinary through the extraordinary local Malaysian social circles which is their oyster.

Some will be luckier than others. Some will have great breaks and end up unexpectedly in lives less ordinary whil maybe others (like me) will try their whole lives for that life less ordinary and still not get there.

そうおもうんですか？「人より幸せになりたいだけ？」


And yes, I am not sure, what is right and what is wrong, and who are you and me to say what's wrong and what's right, anyway?


I wrote to Yoshitaro, "I haven't found what I want."

And perhaps, that is closest to the truth.

I wonder if Aki-san found what he wants.

I wonder if Sarah's found what she wants.

I wonder if the people who constantly find themselves drifting or wanting to drift has ever found what they want.

Are we all wrong, in the end?

かもしれませんね。


In the end, after our drink, we went to walk the Bansar Pasar malam which is like a REALLY small one and I never found that white peanut ball.

But we bought (or he bought) nasi dagang and murtabak, and I ended up driving us back to my house to eat it.

But we had a nice time eating and talking and after which, I took him back to Sarah's apartment in Jalan Ampang.

So that was my Sunday.

Alot of driving, alot of climbing, a lot of eating, a lot of drinking, too much Japanese!, but a whole lot of fun-- and my heart was moved.


I still have TP9 to go though. The final TP. I wanted to do it well, but coz I spent so much time wasted this weekend, I Really wonder how TP9 is gonna do..... It's THIRD CONDITIONAL LANGUAGE LESSON too.

Sigh... Dear God, please help me get through this last last last one well... Please...