ひとりの夜もそばにいようぜ　君と僕の歌を歌う

 

Today, I woke up wanting to be friends with you again.

 

 

I guess what I want to say is that, today, I'm sad. I'm sad, perhaps, not because I cannot be with you, but rather, I'm sad because I can't continue to have fun with you.

 

I'm sad because, because I miss what we had.

 

That it may not have meant anything to you, but, actually, it really meant alot to me, it means a lot to me. I know you're used to hanging out with just one friend for a long long long time, but it was the first time I really spent so much time with just one person and just doing nothing and everything. It was only four to five months but it was every fucking day. That I really had fun with you. Just driving around, just joking around, just going to places and doing things.

 

That I think about going to Old Town White Coffee, I think about those days back in Brickfields and watching movies in the room with you. I think about the shopping malls we went to. I think about the meals we had. I think about going to wash your clothes. I think about all these roads we had driven together.

 

I think about the jokes we shared.

 

I think about your little cousin singing "I wanna fuck you"...

 

I think about back then when you always used "can la" when I asked you if you could do something for me and I would ask you "is that arabic "la" or malay "la"???"

 

And every night as I drive home from Times Square or when I drive to Taman Desa from Times Square or when I drive from Taman Desa into town... I always think of you... I always think of the nights we drove together and we were talking in the car. It wasn't like you driving to Jeddah, of course! But still.... it was fun, at least to me...

 

I think about you and Islam and Arabic everytime someone talks about Islam or mentions Saudi Arabia or Arabic. I think how I wish I can talk to you about it. I think about how I wish I could talk to your mother about it!!!

 

I think about taking you after class, and I think about all those areas.

 

I think about forcing you eat pork. hm. my bad.

 

I think about my classes and your helping me with Arabic in my class.

 

I think about you and your sister when I'm in Times Square everyday.

 

I think about those days in your fucked up room in Brickfields whenever it rains because I remember the rain.

 

 

I think about many other things that still breaks my heart and sometimes i force myself to stop but sometimes i force myself to keep thinking about it and keep letting images continue in my head because i want to hurt and cry till there's nothing left to hurt or cry about anymore.

 

I think about many other things that make me feel damn shit.

 

I think about many other things that make me wish for something I can never have.

 

I think about many other things that still shows that I am stupid and I am still the fucking fool...

 

 

 

But everything of those shit aside, dude, I just want you to know that, today, I just want to remember and hold onto what was good that I experienced with you when we were friends.

 

I want to tell you that I remember them, sometimes it hurt very much to remember and people tell me to forget, but I just want to say that when it happened, and when the lights of the city are shining bright and I am crying while driving through Brickfields and Bangsar in the shade of the night and the lights... I know I had a really really good time with you :).... and thank you, really... And I miss you for all that, dude, I really really do.

 

And I know you don't give a fuck, and you don't care, and you don't even remember or even think about all these at all... But I really hope, maybe somewhere inside me, that you won't forget... k?

 

I know it meant nothing to you, all those things we did together and alllllllllllllllllllll those time we spent together, that it means nothing to you.... And I'm the only one who's thinking about it, who's missing you, who's missing those times, who thinks it was really wonderful... I know it means, it is nothing to you...

 

But I just hope, in the stupidity of my heart, that you remember it... and it was good for you too..

 

 

 

Sometimes, I want to be friends with you again. And I know we can still be friends. It'd be so simple, so easy.

 

But.

 

But if you asked me what I really want with you is to have those times with you again.

 

But I'm sure you and I know that that won't ever happen ever again.

 

You won't let it.

 

And I know that it can't, because I'd probably eventually like you again if it does.

 

And you know that it's impossible for us to be like that again, really.

 

Because you know that those times could have only happened because I liked you.

 

Because I was selfish.

 

Because I did not share you with anyone else.

 

 

I guess, the sadness I feel these days is that it couldn't have continued... and that was all there is to the story.

 

Sure, it didn't have to be terminated like this and we could have just sat there as normally as we could and watched Sky High.

 

But really, c'mon.

 

 

Don't worry.

 

I understand.

 

I also understand that that day you had changed somewhat.

 

You were different when I saw you that night.

 

And I guess you have really chosen that day, still back then, then, and now, knew exactly what you wanted from me.

 

But you had changed.

 

Oh well.

 

There's no point in thinking or talking about it, really.

 

 

 

And I guess, the part that hurts the most when I think about all these things when I am driving in town at night and I pass these places we went before and i am fucking crying is just to think that..... None of those in the past 4 months even meant anything to you. Fuck my stupid feelings aside, but at the very fucking least... all the damn things that we did and alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll those fucking hours we spent means absolutely nothing to you. That everything meant nothing in the end. Damn. Damn you know, dude, THAT hurts like fuck to think. 

 

Really. DAMN.

 

 

 

I guess, I just wish I wasn't the only one just thinking about all these shit... thinking about those times...

 

But I guess, I know I am.

 

But that's my punishment then. My punishment because everything was my fault, right? Everything fucked up coz of me, as everyone puts it. I shouldn't have made you my world. YES, it was MY fuck up. And yes, this is my punishment then, for all the fucking shit that I go through now. Fine. It's my punishment then. Really.

 

You know everyone around me says "it's better this way," or "you're better this way".... And now I got my whole life ahead of me and going to Japan and all that... But really... when i think about it, think about you, all i can feel is feel like shit about myself... What i do see is you and telling me that night "There's something wrong with you."...

 

Fuck, did everything really mean nothing?

 

But you were right, that night... The things you said were right... I guess, that's why for just a fleeting moment, I understood: I'm not needed anymore, everything meant nothing, nothing was important, and you had someone else in your life, you had alot more people in your life, you already have all that you need and want in this country to be alright, you are fine, and tomorrow I didn't feel like seeing you again, and even if I didn't.. I'll be alright. 

 

 

 

Oh well.

 

at least you're happy and happier now.

 

Oh well.