ひとりの夜もそばにいようぜ　君と僕の歌を歌う

i had a fight with him 2 days ago. it wasn't a fight but one of those heavy emotional talks. i was crying and i told him how i felt. not everything but partially. though everything i said came out wrong. but i told him i felt stupid. he asked me if I was jealous, but jealousy my friend, is such a messy feeling... it's never entirely all so clear cut, but how do i explain to him?

I want to destroy your happiness. HER happiness.

Such evil emotions, such an ugly feeling jealousy is. I think it's the most wreched feeling one can ever have.


But... it's not entirely about that.


He asked me, "what can i do so you won't feel like you're being used?"... It's not as if he gave a fuck or meant those words, but what can I say? Don't treat me like I'm your bitch anymore? Don't be such an asshole to me?

It's not like he can see how he's been treating me wrong. And I know he will say, "you're not even my girlfriend, why should i treat you nicer?"

Perhaps all i can say to that is "you should do it out of fucking common curtesy."


So i kept my mouth shut.


But i realized that day that perhaps the change isn't suppose to come from him but from me.

But I also realized that I have no fucking clue in this. I am completely utterly confused, incapable, unable.


You remember that time, when I liked Kevin. And he invited me out to a club one day in Seri Kembangan, I went with Debby and I got lost there. Kevin came like an hour late and I was completely lost.
That night I was incredibly totally mad at him and I scolded him and hung up on him and left the place.
But as I was driving and crying, as I always do, I decided to drive to his house and leave some muffins I had brought with me for him...

Debby could not understand why I did that.

BUT that is EXACTLY how I am.

And that is EXACTLY what I have totally been with him. Everyday, it's been like that.

No matter how much I hurt, how much I cry, how much I am dying inside seeing him, being with him, and seeing him touch and hold and love his girlfriend, how much he ignores me, uses me, misuses me.... I fucking go back.


Sometimes, i wonder if he is an asshole or I am the ass that created the asshole.

Sometimes I feel, he is the moster because I am the one who created him.

For those who are still following this page..

"مرحبا"

I know I haven't written in a long time but that's because I guess I really don't know how to put into words what I have been feeling for the past two months or more.

And everytime I do have a thought formulated, the feeling of it changes in the wake of another dawn.

Everyday since meeting him has really, really, really been a wrecking experience of how fucked up I am and how fucked up I can be.

It has taught me the depths of stupidity I can sink myself into, and the extent to which I can masochistically continue to hurt myself despite seeing the truth.

And everyday, I am fluctuating between strength and peace to utter confusion, pain, hate jealousy, depression and dispair- all within the same 10 waking hours... Or make that every 5 minutes.

Sometimes I don't even know why I continue doing it when all feelings is gone. Sometimes, the feelings come back. Sometimes there's no reason, yet I do it. Sometimes I don't even want to do it anymore yet I continue to do it without reason or feelings.

What have I become, my sweetest friend?