ひとりの夜もそばにいようぜ　君と僕の歌を歌う

Sometimes I feel I have followed one dream to the seclusion of all else.

Sometimes I feel that tunnel vision has, in fact, kept me from actually going further, going to more places, and doing even better and more wonderful things I am capable of doing.


I guess that letter I wrote the other day really did define quite accurately what I feel I have done to my life. Even if it was entirely written in Japanese, it was quite accurate actually...

この暗さの中で、よく考えている。もしかしたらほかの生き方があったかもしれません。この世界はたくさん色々な事ができます。そしてこの人生はたいへん大切な物で、この世界はもっと大切なするべき事があります。神様は私にこの人生をくれたということは、ぜったい私はより大切なしているべき事があるとおもんです。

 

でも、私はぜんぶその選択をしませんでした。よりいい仕事ができたかもしれませんが、私は英語の先生になる事を選びました。

 

それはライブがたいへん好きですから。

 

不確かな夢でも、日本へ行きたいんです。

 

今もたくさん他の事をできますが、私は日本に行きたい。ライブに行きたいですから。LIVEに日本に行きたい事のために、一生のプランは立てられます。それは私のバカな夢だよね。

 

When I met Aki-san and we were both talking about our lives, we were wondering, did we get it wrong?

Sometimes I feel I have got it all wrong.


My dad has always said that to me, that my brother and I are always so blind and so stubborn. We want one thing and we just want that one thing alone and we can't see everything else that's even better, perhaps, and in the end, we find ourselves unhappy, not using our full potential--

I KNOW my brother and I can be so much more. Hell, I know I can be so, so, so much more-- I really could have come home and pursued Journalism or even PR, and I know I would have been damn good at it. I know by now I would have published tons of news articles my mom can tell her friends about, and hell, who knows, I am sure by now I would have even been an editor or a writer in some great music magazine. Or, if I had done PR, I am damn well sure I could have done it amazingly. I know I would be making damn alot of money now too, and probably could secure a job in Singapore or whatever.

But I have singlemindedly stuck to a course in life that I HOPE and I PRAY would get me to Japan. Not even know why I want to go there! I have singlemindedly pursue this path. Thrown myself into ESL (English as Second Language) teaching where being Malaysian in itself, I am already put BELOW par as a non-native speaker of English.

It's like, I could have conquered a mountain by now. With all the advantages of the education my father has given me and my Heavenly Father has blest me with, with the advantage I already have, I could have just been plopped close to the top of the mountain and only needed to try a little harder and I'd be on top. IF I had pursued Journalism or PR.

BUT NO!!! I want to be a damn ESL teacher, which by the default of my BIRTH and my SKIN COLOR, I have cursed myself to the mire at the BOTTOM of a frigging mud hill I have to slough my way up that damn hill.

THAT is EXACTLY how I feel everyday, you know?

The impossiblity of the struggle. The stupidity of my choice. The unfairness of life. The regret of not being something I know I would have been queen. Yet still, I am so obdurate with the choice I have chosen, the path I have taken, the believe I have embraced.


Why?

Simply because I thought I saw a dream.

And because of that, I just couldn't see anything else, or some other way, actually, that could even get me there more easily.



Elaine (Teh), when you were back and we were driving to Suet Nee's house and you told me that you admire what I was doing, because of my dedecation to my "dream"... That back in Boston and till now, I am still pursuing the SAME path I had chosen back then three years ago.

It was the first time I had EVER seen what I am doing as something admirable. Because I had NEVER felt that way. I never felt that this tunnel vision could be seen a dedication.

I don't know if I'm right.

I don't know if you're right.

But I really want to believe in your belief.

I really want to see the realization of my dream--

Because I want to believe in my dream.

I want to believe in my belief that if you believe in the possibilities in life and you try hard enough for it, you too can achieve it.

I want to believe in that.

I want my belief to be true.

For it to be true, for what I believe in to be proved right, my dream has to come true.


Otherwise, I guess, I am just the biggest fool.

Well... My course at British Council is ending next week. That went pretty fast, huh? Feeling sad about it... Like everything else, I suppose, it's the end of something...

Anyway, here's the playlist of the songs for the past few months. Songs that lighted the rides on the crowded train in the mornings and songs that accompanied the nights when I went to Kimura-san's class. Songs of the past months of transient life in the city...

I guess, I still like the city better.


君はいま光の中に - Art-School
24Reverse - 凛として時雨
僕が君だったら - Art-School
水の中のナイフ - Art-School
花の名(ALWAYS 続・三丁目の夕日」主題歌) - Bump of Chicken
完璧な庭 - People In The Box
海抜0m - People In The Box
She hates December - People In The Box
マザー - 藍坊主
夏の終わり、- セカイイチ
我要找到你 - 一水扬
Tiny Vessels - Death Cab for Cutie
Jangan Lupakan - Nidji
California 2005 - Phantom Planet
童话 - 光良
片道キップ - つばき
グッドモーニング - つばき
三月 - Lunkhead
月と手のひら - Lunkhead
キセキ - GReeeeN
ミソラ - セカイイチ
一度だけ - People In The Box
何十年後かに「君」と出会っていなかったあなたに向けた歌 - RADWIMPS
鏡 - The Back Horn
少年季 - セツナブルースター
四度目の青春 - セツナブルースター
ウィークエンド - hare-brained unity
DISCO LIGHTS - hare-brained unity


Only TWO English songs =__=

At least I got 2 Chinese songs there too! And even an Indonesian song! ahahahaha...

You got how many bills to pay
And how many kids
And you forgot about
The things that we did
The town where we're living
Has made you a man
And all of your dreams
Are washed in the sand

Well it's alright
It's alright
Who are you and me to say
What's wrong and what's right
Do you still feel like me
We sit down here
And we shall see
We can talk
And find common ground
And we can just forget
About feeling down
We can just forget
About life in this town.

It's funny how your dreams
Change as you're growing old
You don't wanna be no spaceman
You just want gold
All the dream stealers
Are lying in wait
But if you wanna be a spaceman
It's still not too late

Well it's alright
And It's alright
Who are you and me to say
What's wrong and what's right
Do you still feel like me
We sit down here

And we shall see
We can talk
And find common ground
And we can just forget
About feeling down
We can just forget
About life in this town.


So over the weekend I met a guy from Japan, Aki, who has been cycling around Asia for the past six months. He started cycling last October from Hong Kong to China to Laos to Cambodia to Vietnam to Thailand and now in Malaysia and tomorrow to Singapore.

I met him through Sarah (my CELTA trainer in the British Council) who met Aki while she was cycling with her husband in Vietnam in December.

Anyway, on Saturday I took Aki out to Batu Caves and around town. It was a really, really enjoyable day, actually. One of the most enjoyable in a long time. I guess it's because we got to talk alot, also. Actually! It was the first time in my life I spoke almost entirely in Japanese for almost the entire day! It was really tiring!! Yes, climbing Batu Caves, driving through horrible traffic around town, AND speaking in Japanese the whole day!

Anyway, we went to Batu Caves ANDDDDD I managed to climb all 272 steps without dying... For him who has cycled for more than 6000km it's a stroll in the park, of course!!! But dude, I almost died! lol... Anyway, it's damn weird but what happened to the whole colony of monkeys at Batu Caves. There weren't ANY AT ALL on the steps up!! And there were barely 5 of them at the top part of the temple... WEIRD!

Anyway, after surviving the climb and the descent, we're talking about me of course, I then took him back to BU for lunch at Banana Leaf. Yeah okay, boring me, I hardly ever go out, so i had no idea what nice place to take him yo!!!!

Over lunch we got to talk about various things. About what I liked doing, about what we thought about life, about why he was on this journey, about what I want to do with my life, about what he believes in life and what I believed to, and just about.... whether we could both be so damn wrong in the end.

We talked till about four, I think, then I asked if he wanted to go somewhere else. We decided to go to Petaling Street, so I drove us there. In Petaling Street we went around looking for food. He likes sweet things, so we were looking for various sweet things to eat. We kept talking and it was really nice, I suppose. Quite tourisy for me, actually.

But it's very interesting to note that most of the store sellers in Petaling Street are now foreign workers, like Bangladeshi workers. I think there were less than a dozen stores manned by Chinese, actually. And also, I'm just amaze like how these sellers know that Aki is Japanese! Coz after 6 months on the road under the blazing sun, he barely looks Japanese anymore! But when we walk past a shop, the sellers just automatically go "Master! Chotto matte!!" wth....

Anyway, I wanted Aki to try those white peanut ball thing (the one covered in flour), but we couldn't find it in Petaling Street. So i called Jarod to ask if there was a pasar malam at Bangsar. We were in luck and there was one in Bangsar (in retrospect, maybe we should have gone to the one in Taman Megah).

So, I drove and we went there. It was raining then so we decided to stop at a coffee shop to have a drink first. So we sat there and talked again.

And I really enjoyed our conversations. ALTHOUGH they WERE 90% in Japanese, actually, and 30% of the time he had to complete my sentences or paraphrase my sentences so we both have the same idea what was being said. But I really enjoyed our coversations.

I guess I was talking about Japan alot and because of that, I was talking alot about my dreams and what I believed in life. And here was this guy who is living an amazing life, a total life less ordinary, extraordinary, actually... And I suppose he thinks alot of what he's doing too... And it leaves the both of us wondering, I suppose, did we get it right in the end.

When everyone else is building up a life out of bricks with career, money, family, house, car... Here we were shacking our life up with straw and hay, not even knowing where our "place" is. Where do we belong? Where do we want to settle? Just somewhere in our hearts we know we have got to go... I guess, more so for Aki than for me. I guess i just want to go to Japan, you know, for my own stupid reasons. But for him, I don't think the world is large enough for him.. and his bike!

But that is our dream. It's not the money or the career or the family or the house (though the money TOTALLY facilitates the realization of our dream). But that's not how we think.

We want something else.

And as he said, "いい経験" (Good experience).

I guess that's what we want.

Do we?

I want to work in Shinjuku Tower Records (which Aki said is a VERY VERY VERY VERY INCREADIIIIIIIIIBLY SMALLLLLLLLLLLL dream!!! lol).

But, that's what we want.

Good Experience.


Could we be wrong?

Maybe.

I guess we could be wrong.

But i want to believe in my dreams. I want to believe in it. As stupid, as ridiculous, as much as ALLLLLL my friends and my ever-practical UNCLE LEONG always, always say to me "Elaine, wake up to the REAL WORLD".

No, I WANT to BELIEVE in my dream.

Even if it's stupid. Impractical. Dumb.

I want to believe in it.
I want to hold on to it.
I want to believe that one day it can come true.
God, God, I want to believe that it is going to come true.

For that one, just one tiny speck of undying-logic-defying hope, I hold on to it, I want to believe in it, and just everyday, every moment, against the gargantuan wall of doubt, this damn tiny flicker of illogical hope, I continue to trudge on, as painful, as depressing, as hopeless I feel sometimes... I refuse to give up. I refuse to let go. I refuse to throw in the towel. I refuse to let life get the better of me. I refuse to lose.

I want to believe I too can win.

I really want to believe, dear God, I too can get in. One day perhaps. One day, soon, I REALLY REALLY hope.

I guess, I REALLY REALLY REALLY believe that even if it's stupid and even to me it seems IMPOSSIBLE most of the time, actually, somehow somewhere in me, I think I am really crazy because I actually believe it can come true.

And I think that is why, I NEVER gave up. Because I stupidly actually believe that it can come true.


I guess, we're demented dreamers.

But Aki-san has really inspired me. Not inspired me in the sense that I think that because he can live his dream, mine can happen too. No, I think his is different from mine, and I am constantly negative and doubtful and worried about my own future.

But he has inspired me in the sense that, it's the first time in my life, I had met someone who has really done something so extraordinary. To have spent six months on the road, on a bike, traversing across this continent-- it's as if it's the first time in my life I have met someone so.... indescribable. Someone, who lives a life less ordinary.

I suppose, that is why Aki-san inspired me. Because his story is not one I read in magazine, but for the first time in my life, I met a person in flesh and blood, who has spent his whole life so doing this, living so differently.

It takes alot of motivation to cycle 7000 km you know?!


I guess some will dream to be doctors, will work incredibly hard to be doctors.

Some will live their life less ordinary building smart tunnels, moving from scholarships to scholarships from UK to US to Antartica.

Some will settle for a well-paying job, happy with their family, and see the world through the well earned perk of yearly overseas company trips.

Some will thrive in their profession and live through life less ordinary through the extraordinary local Malaysian social circles which is their oyster.

Some will be luckier than others. Some will have great breaks and end up unexpectedly in lives less ordinary whil maybe others (like me) will try their whole lives for that life less ordinary and still not get there.

そうおもうんですか？「人より幸せになりたいだけ？」


And yes, I am not sure, what is right and what is wrong, and who are you and me to say what's wrong and what's right, anyway?


I wrote to Yoshitaro, "I haven't found what I want."

And perhaps, that is closest to the truth.

I wonder if Aki-san found what he wants.

I wonder if Sarah's found what she wants.

I wonder if the people who constantly find themselves drifting or wanting to drift has ever found what they want.

Are we all wrong, in the end?

かもしれませんね。


In the end, after our drink, we went to walk the Bansar Pasar malam which is like a REALLY small one and I never found that white peanut ball.

But we bought (or he bought) nasi dagang and murtabak, and I ended up driving us back to my house to eat it.

But we had a nice time eating and talking and after which, I took him back to Sarah's apartment in Jalan Ampang.

So that was my Sunday.

Alot of driving, alot of climbing, a lot of eating, a lot of drinking, too much Japanese!, but a whole lot of fun-- and my heart was moved.


I still have TP9 to go though. The final TP. I wanted to do it well, but coz I spent so much time wasted this weekend, I Really wonder how TP9 is gonna do..... It's THIRD CONDITIONAL LANGUAGE LESSON too.

Sigh... Dear God, please help me get through this last last last one well... Please...

Hmmm~ Seems like the cover art has been released!!!!!!


Tsubaki's new album "Ryusei Note" (Meteor Note), this 25th March Release!

Hmmm... "Melody that meteor plays of drawing in the sky" - Hmmm... Sounds like a good description of meteor note I suppose!!!


Anyway, I still think there's something weird going on with Isshiki-san..... He's never said before that "I think I won't be able to update blog on tour, but it will be updated again when I am settled back in Tokyo"...... Errrr... But the Lost In Time Tour is actually just three days, no??? wth.... Kinda worrisome he's been a little weird lately... Lets hope he's not getting tired of this =( *please Tsubaki, don't announce anything too shocking for us! >_<

hate to say this but I need more English music.........................

I need more songs I can understand, yo.......

Sigh... need recommendation.....

MICHELLE WHERE ARE YOU?!

TODAY'S ON MUSIC!



Isshiki-san's iTunes!


I'd give my.... parts of my liver... to have a chance to scroll through Isshiki-san's itunes music library!!!!!!!

hahahahah...

No, but seriously, I would...!!!

I damn like to know what he listens to and I want to know more bands!!!!! I think he's an excellent resource!! Seems like he listens to an incredible archive of music yo!!! Well yeah, okay, he's a musician...


Anyway, while we're on that... I really want to know more bands... There's this one guy in the forum I always download music from, Shiba-san... DUDE, I think like 99% of all the Japanese bands I checked out, at least 70% of all the albums were downloaded off him!!! He always password protects his files with his nickname, and whenever i unzip a file and forgot the password, most I can try"shiba" and it would be correct! hahahaha..

Anyway, I was browsing through all this posts today and it's incredible all these bands that he knows! Well, through time I have gone through and checked out 90% of those bands already, but it's just amazing how he knows these bands!!! Well, he's in Japan for one...

I mean, I really admire people who know like a zillion bands! Or knows ALL the bands in a single genre... And I really admire some of these dudes who are not in Japan but know just an awesome amount of bands! It's incredible!!!

But I just think it's hard and quite impossible to get to know fairly new and unknown BUT AWESOME bands without actually being in the country.

Sometimes reading through some of the japanese blogs, it's so envious! To be there! And to be able to just check out and know all these new and upcoming and all these indie bands, I think that's an amazing thing that I wish I could do.

Like you know we were in Japan and I was with Akio and just walking along Kamo river, and across Kamo River this band was playing their songs in the frigid winter. But the song was just amazing! And it sounded even more amazing and added to the movie-like atmosphere of that night!! I mean can you imagine it?? Walking along Kamo River in the cold, in Japan, and you're happy and you're with your friend... and to add to the moment is a live soundtrack! lol~

Anyway, the band was great!!! But....... you HAD TO be there (in Japan) to have gotten to know them.

That's what I mean.

I wish I was there.


Or, at least have a chance to look through Isshiki-san's playlist. lol!



ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


EXCITING (but sad) LUNKHEAD NEWS!!!!

New DVD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Live limitation only............ WHY ALWAYS LIKE THAT, LUNKHEAD??? WHY????

Anyway, AME is great!!! She's helping me to get them!! She's always soooooo super amazing!!! Flying from Hong Kong to Japan just for live all the time!!! And always so kind to help me buy goods!!! THANK YOU AME!!!!


Anyway, I was thinking about music and I really feel a little sad because I feel that I am stuck on Lunkhead's 月と手のひら (Tsuki to Tenohira)... I mean don't get me wrong, I love their other songs too and I feel that because I am a Lunkhead fan, I shouldn't JUST love ONE SONG too much!!!!! I think they have excellent songs and Odaka-san writes amazing tunes!! But... STILL, if you ask me what is my favourite Lunkhead song, or to recommend a Lunkhead song, it will ALWAYS be Tsuki to Tenohira!!!

It's just that... I that this song has a timeless beauty to it. I don't know how to describe it but.... This one song, it's just beautiful all over again, you know? I mean, I think this is probably the song I have heard the most often in my whole life. If added together from all the playcounts from 3 years ago till now, I think I've heard this song more than 1500 times.. (that's not much, actually, huh!!)...

But anyway... Sometimes, yes, I feel very burn out from the song, also... Like after listening to it too often, it loses its appeal..... Or I know that after the December live 2 years ago... I felt very sad to listen to Tsuki to Tenohira because it reminded me of too wonderful memories that were too painful to recall... So, I didn't listen as much... And also, other songs were released and they were all excellent songs too..!

But now again, listening to Tsuki to Tenohira again and.............. I hear and am moved by the beauty of the song once again.... I mean, it may be a very simple song, but I don't know how to describe it, but just the myriads of sounds that spreads out and converges in the song... and the simple beauty of the acoustic guitar, and the placid sad touching meaning of the words just... blends together in this song...

Would I call a perfect song? Well, maybe not to others.

But, in MY opinion, this is THE best song. EVER.


IS THAT TOO MUCH???? Sorry Lunkhead!!! I really love your other songs too!! But this song is too beautiful!!!! And it always makes me fall in love with it again and again!!!!

Well Jarod is leaving America for good today.

The end of something, huh...

I guess what's sad is that, I also feel like part of my history dies with his leaving.


I remember when I was in Boston back in 2005/2006, I used to travel down to Phily almost every weekend to hang out with him. It was crazy because the trip to and from Phily itself would take like 18 hours, and I'd spend about 12 hours in Phily....... just to eat Katsudon or Bak Kut Teh and watch anime with him. Or we'd meet at New York to have dim sum.

Still, they were great times, you know? Those were really, really mundane but very, very memorable weekends...

I suppose when finest lines divides a night well spent from a waste of time.


I guess, I also feel sad with his leaving because it also means a true end to all that.


I wonder how long these places stay with you, even if you have left. I feel as if I can still feel it all, what it felt like those times...

And the places you've been to never really leave you. They're just there, buried beneath the life you have to live everyday... Resurfacing only when you sit alone in your room, or an almost familiar sight on a train brings to your mind the recollection of the vision of a past, the view the sights the sounds the feelings the people the moments the places... So near in your heart in an opaque vision in your mind, yet..... so damn far away... and you can never have it back again.

I guess that's what most of what America is to me, and the bits and pieces of Japan that still remains.

I've been waiting all this time to be, something I can't define
So let's cause a scene, clap our hands and stomp our feet or something,
yeah something I've just got to get myself over me


I love this chorus from The First Single, by The Format. I guess I miss listening to good English music because lyrics are always the best. I'm still a "writer" after all, and not a musician.

But I love this chorus. I love these lines. Because they always remind me to get myself over me.


I know I am someone who is very insecure inside. Very.

And because of that, no matter how kind or generous and co-operative I want to be, I know that my insecurities always get the better of me, and I always have a hidden insecure jealousy gnawing me inside. I hate that part of myself very much. I AM aware of this part of my shitty personality that causes me to be INCREDIBLY selfish most of the time and I hate it. But somehow, I just can't stop myself.

I really don't like this part of me.

But,

I love those lines from The First Single because it always, always reminds myself that I should probably get myself over me.


And yes, I want to love everyone.

I want to be generous to everyone.

I want to be absolutely kind.

I want to be absolutely sincere.

I know I am an honest person, and I try my best to be as sincere as I can. I know I am probably more honest about my feelings than most are-- But I also know that when I am insecure, my heart is black. And I hate that blackness...


I want to get myself over me.

Because I want to learn to be a truly good person.

Because I want to be a good friend.

I want to be a true friend.