elainelmy: i dunno lah....... i tell my friends all i want is happiness
elainelmy: and she told me just now..... happiness is temporary... find joy in God which is everlasting
sangkropik: yeap
elainelmy: and then i told her
elainelmy: u know what?
elainelmy: i dun know joy in God
elainelmy: cause i really cannot see the "goodness" in things messing up
elainelmy: build character?
sangkropik: yeah.. find happiness in god
elainelmy: screw that cause it's making me worse
sangkropik: or so they say
elainelmy: i mean GOD KNOWS it's making me worse
elainelmy: why does He keep doing it anyway!
sangkropik: but really i now know what's happiness is
sangkropik: though i'm positive it wont last long
sangkropik: but i'll just suck every drop of it
sangkropik: enjoy it while it last
elainelmy: well dats what i balme God also
elainelmy: geez
elainelmy: i blame God alot huh
elainelmy: i mean
elainelmy: seriouslyyyyyyyyyyyyy
elainelmy: i dunno lah
elainelmy: i am so un-Christian!!!
elainelmy: shuckssssssssssss
sangkropik: no, from islam's point of view
sangkropik: we cannot blame God
sangkropik: that's just God testing us
elainelmy: from Christian point also like that!!!!!!!!!!!
sangkropik: so then
elainelmy: and they say that God will not put u thru test He dun think u can't get thru
sangkropik: we should be strong!
sangkropik: hahaha
elainelmy: BUT THEN I AM THINKING
sangkropik: oh no
sangkropik: God will put us in test
elainelmy: U KNOW WAHT GOD???? it's making me depressed... making me contemplate suicide.... it's making me feel like shite.... it's making me hopeless abt life
sangkropik: so that only those who can endure it
sangkropik: hmmm
elainelmy: so why are You still putting me thru it
elainelmy: if it's only making me worse?!
sangkropik: being suicidal is just like running from problems
elainelmy: no man
elainelmy: i dun think it's running away
elainelmy: i think it's just dat i wanna sleep
elainelmy: but anyways
sangkropik: hahaha
elainelmy: SO DATS WHAT I BLAME GOD FOR SOMETIMES
elainelmy: i also feel i am spitting in God face also
elainelmy: cause i am blind towards the rest of the stuff He's giving me
elainelmy: that i dun deserve
sangkropik: but that shows that u still believe in God right?
elainelmy: or that like is going great for me but i dun apprecaite it
sangkropik: you still think that all this while God make u like this
elainelmy: well of course i believe in God, and i still Love Him
sangkropik: yeah
sangkropik: then its good
elainelmy: just dat sometimes i feel very angry at life
elainelmy: for being so fucked up
elainelmy: and not going how i want it to go
elainelmy: when sometimes
elainelmy: how i want it to go
elainelmy: is to help others also
elainelmy: while feeling happy helping others
elainelmy: or doing stuff for others
elainelmy: even when it's BEING NICE
elainelmy: i am still fucked over
elainelmy: makes me feel u know like it's not worth being nice
elainelmy: i should just be fucking mean like the rest of the world
elainelmy: since even the good are always the losers
elainelmy: so why the fuck bother
a erm... a song by Pedro the Lion... actually he sings alot of hymns...... but anyways.... I liked his renditions of hymns... makes it real nice, real personal... just him and his acoustic guitar...
Anyway.... i do love God, i just dun get why He does the thing he does and why the one thing i love so much that be music, it just seems to me that He's always not letting me go that way. It's like God, don't give me this passion and love to begin with if You're not gonna use it or let me do anything with it u know... cause it's really a very shitty feeling to love something so much but to know you can never never grasps it... it really REALLY sucks. so that's my main bitch for the day.
Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I�m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.
O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I�m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here�s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.
O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I�ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.
elainelmy: okies
elainelmy: i wills top bitching here
elainelmy: cause sometimes i feel
elainelmy: like God is gonna strike me down
sangkropik: hahaha
elainelmy: and show me what SHIT really is
elainelmy: cause i am bitching sooooooooooooo much
elainelmy: abt stupid stuff.
sangkropik: its not stupid...
sangkropik: even me sometimes
elainelmy: well it's trivial
elainelmy: it's not like i am like a beggar in petaling street hooked on dope
elainelmy: u know what i mean???
elainelmy: THAT is serious shit.
elainelmy: mine is just a spoilt brat's complain
woke up toady with movielife singing "long island's calling me".... so i thought i'd upload the nice nice songs for all u ppl to hear...... hopefully there are pl to begin with. The movielife is good though, r.i.p., the song is acoustic and really beautiful. they're from long island.
Anyways.... i was looking through my friendster list yeasterday, which is rare cause i don't really even go on friendster. But anyways, i saw Gajendri's pic and u know, essentially she still looks very much like how i remembered her and u know, made me miss her alot....
And I was writing her a message to tell her that and u know, it's when u compare to school life to life now, that's when you realize the most how much you've changed. and how much life has changed really, i guess. And i think i've changed alot.... especially this year.... or even last year.... i don't know how i've changed but the way i look at life and waht i believe in and what i used to believe in has changed alot....
I don't think i have matured but i think i did grow up a little.... DAMN i think after turning 21, it really did something to me!!! Cause really, like when i talk to some of my classmates, i don't usually guess their age by how they look but by more of how they speak. Those that still have something against their family (teenage angst), those that still crave freedom and bitch about it, those that talk about freedom and partying, etc.... You can immiediately date them to pre-20s..... And i guess that's the same thing with like mid-20s people being able to guess our age.... those that are worrying about first jobs, those that are in mid-major limbo, those that are still young and hopeful..... And then u can date the mid-20 people too... they're those that are in stable relationships, quietly speaking/contemplating about marriage, talking about the hardships or challenges of working life, etc.....
But yeah...
I think i have changed. My preference has DEFINITELY changed. What i want from life might not have altered fundamentally but in my views of it, and what i want from it has changed alot. How i see myself... i'm not sure about that part. how certain i am of myself, yeah that' has changed....
And life itself has changed you know. As much as my time in California is only temporal, it's true that i am no longer in MGSKL, you know... I am in Cal State Northridge, you know. And i have a sort of life that might not be the most lively and cool one, but it's a life nevertheless, and i have my stories to tell my grandkids tho they are already fading in memory already.... But these experiences has changed me in many ways............ And the things i love keep constantly changing and as much as you can call that as being "unfaithful" i think it's cool cause it exposes me to way more things. If i had kept on loving England, i would have never have experienced all that i have here in America, and i would not have well...... liked Japan either and that means NO ASIAN KUNG FU GENERATION!!! and that can never be good!
And you know... if i have not fell in love with England and Europe back in highschool, i would never have left malaysia, and if i had not fell in love with America.... i would not have had these past two years which tho i regret i have NOT done some stuff, i do not regret AT ALL ALL that i did here.... and well now my liking Japan.... it's brought be back to Asia for my next phase of life that is coming by.... and maybe having fallen in love with Japan is a good thing to prime me for what's gonna come next you know.....
And in that way, i feel that, yeah i may be unfaithful to my loves, but it sure as hell make me be able, be wanting at least, be learning about something new, about another aspect, see another horizon of this very very and i do mean very big big world....
Well, I guess this is growing up.
woke up toady with movielife singing "long island's calling me".... so i thought i'd upload the nice nice songs for all u ppl to hear...... hopefully there are pl to begin with. The movielife is good though, r.i.p., the song is acoustic and really beautiful. they're from long island.
Anyways.... i was looking through my friendster list yeasterday, which is rare cause i don't really even go on friendster. But anyways, i saw Gajendri's pic and u know, essentially she still looks very much like how i remembered her and u know, made me miss her alot....
And I was writing her a message to tell her that and u know, it's when u compare to school life to life now, that's when you realize the most how much you've changed. and how much life has changed really, i guess. And i think i've changed alot.... especially this year.... or even last year.... i don't know how i've changed but the way i look at life and waht i believe in and what i used to believe in has changed alot....
I don't think i have matured but i think i did grow up a little.... DAMN i think after turning 21, it really did something to me!!! Cause really, like when i talk to some of my classmates, i don't usually guess their age by how they look but by more of how they speak. Those that still have something against their family (teenage angst), those that still crave freedom and bitch about it, those that talk about freedom and partying, etc.... You can immiediately date them to pre-20s..... And i guess that's the same thing with like mid-20s people being able to guess our age.... those that are worrying about first jobs, those that are in mid-major limbo, those that are still young and hopeful..... And then u can date the mid-20 people too... they're those that are in stable relationships, quietly speaking/contemplating about marriage, talking about the hardships or challenges of working life, etc.....
But yeah...
I think i have changed. My preference has DEFINITELY changed. What i want from life might not have altered fundamentally but in my views of it, and what i want from it has changed alot. How i see myself... i'm not sure about that part. how certain i am of myself, yeah that' has changed....
And life itself has changed you know. As much as my time in California is only temporal, it's true that i am no longer in MGSKL, you know... I am in Cal State Northridge, you know. And i have a sort of life that might not be the most lively and cool one, but it's a life nevertheless, and i have my stories to tell my grandkids tho they are already fading in memory already.... But these experiences has changed me in many ways............ And the things i love keep constantly changing and as much as you can call that as being "unfaithful" i think it's cool cause it exposes me to way more things. If i had kept on loving England, i would have never have experienced all that i have here in America, and i would not have well...... liked Japan either and that means NO ASIAN KUNG FU GENERATION!!! and that can never be good!
And you know... if i have not fell in love with England and Europe back in highschool, i would never have left malaysia, and if i had not fell in love with America.... i would not have had these past two years which tho i regret i have NOT done some stuff, i do not regret AT ALL ALL that i did here.... and well now my liking Japan.... it's brought be back to Asia for my next phase of life that is coming by.... and maybe having fallen in love with Japan is a good thing to prime me for what's gonna come next you know.....
And in that way, i feel that, yeah i may be unfaithful to my loves, but it sure as hell make me be able, be wanting at least, be learning about something new, about another aspect, see another horizon of this very very and i do mean very big big world....
I guess this is growing up.
does anyone even come here??? :(
anata no koto ga daisuki desu......... i like that phrase better that aishiteruze for "i love you" in japanese....... cause aparently anata no koto means "things about you"... so it's like "things about you i love"........ ain't that sweet??????? now THAT's love...... at least it's more defined.
i hate to say this but i really hate that stupid Center of Disabilities. Fucking bitch. what the fuck. dah lah write nice story for them that is promoting their program they come and fucking call back and bitch about various stuff. Stupid america has to be fucking politically correct about every fucking thing. I mean waht the fuck!
And what the fuck does that fucking guy Steve have? what the fuck is his problem? all he fucking did was accompany the other main guy i talked to to the newsroom and he comes and fucking call my fucking editor and told her that i wrote a quote that the guy didn't say. WHAT THE FUCK! I talked to the other guy on the phone before this FUCKER was even there what the fuck did he even have to do with the fucking story?! I mean fucker please get the fucking facts straight before you fucking call the editor up. I mean waht the fuck. if someone should have the problem with the quote it should be the fucking person i QUOTED, not the fucking bystander who don;t know fuck!
Fuck you really.
Center of Disability, you can take all your fucking problems and die alone and fuck off. I will not do another fucking story with you in it. I wanted to do one of my own stories on that center but u know what? Fuck you. So fucking picky you can just go fuck off and die. wait for fucking newspapers to hightlight what you do cause i sure as fucking hell won't fucking do it on my own. Fuckers.
well....
two things happened today.... (actually there's more but two i wanna talk abt)
1) Frank called me tonite....... just to say hi and see how i was doing........... ISN'T THAT SO NICE?????????????? *heart melts* so nice..... no otoko no hito every did that before..... hehe.... he was saying "just to tell you that i am still around...." awwwwwwwwwwe..... damn. why must he be 50 years old????
2) I FOUND OUT THAT PAUL IS HALF TAIWANESE AND HALF JAPANESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN MAKES HIM EVEN COOLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.......................
I finally told eri today that i liked Paul............ and asked Eri abt Paul and she was like "eh..... he's weird" hahahahahah........... But I was surprised at Eri, she was really nice... she was on MY side! hehehehe..... she told me to demand from Paul to know who the girl he likes for 4 years is..... she said that i have the rights to do that.......... damn u know waht, Eri is the real new age Japanese empowered women!!!! definitely! But she was sympathetic that Paul rejected me and all that and although she's Paul's friend more than i am her friend she was understood my part more...... that nice...... girls unite! girl power! eh!
And heh........ I think his bloodtype (damn so japanese thing to find out) is either B or AB.... they say more likely AB cause he got two different personalities. Mine's A and apparently, my match is suppose to be O, but it's weird match no? cause apparently A are the sensitive ones and O are the selamba ones............. DOESN'T THAT SPELL TROUBLE???????????? I mean cause A is damn sensitive and O is damn insensitive!!! But apparently no, to the japanese that's the right balance..... and if two people are too alike, they cannot go together cause then it be "too much"....... hmmmmmmmmmmmm damn. and when i asked them "does that mean the japanese agree more to the concept that the opposite attracts and the same repells?" and both replied (a guy and girl btw) "yeah............"
Apparently huh?
So for all u mismatch out there, the yin and the yang are on your side apparently!
Lost in Translation
Asian Kung Fu Generation,
Nihon-go wa sukoshi sukoshi wakarimasu kedo ????????? ????????? no uta wa totemo totemo totemo suki desu. (Japanese i little little understand but Asian Kung Fu Generation's song i really really like) My friend is translating this mail for me from English to Japanese so��
I really really really like your music and I think you are fucking brilliant (hahah masa I don�t think I should say that! hahahahaha) Actually I do think you are incredibly brilliant and talented. Your older songs, Kimi Tsunagi Five M and before that are really really really powerful and full of energy. Every time I listen to it, makes me wish so so so very much that I could go for your concert. Songs like Rashinban and Rocket No. 4 and Jihei Tansaku, Mirai no Kakera, Haruka Kanata really really makes me go �Wow!!!!� and wish I could be in a concert and rocking out with your songs! That was why I actually wanted to arrange a concert and a tour for you in America because I think you have the potential. I think your songs are really cool and very awesome enough for people over here to like it. I am waiting for them to show the rest of the anime Full Metal Alchemist on TV so that people can listen to your songs and be interested in the band further. I think if people gave you a chance and tried AKG out, they would love it. That�s what I feel.
Anyway� your latest album Sorufa and your newer songs are very very beautiful. These new songs make me feel very painful in my heart because I cannot understand Japanese to understand what you�re singing!!!! But the music is really beautiful though and it really makes me wish I could understand Japanese so that I can understand the full meaning of the songs. Songs like Mayonaka to Mahiru no Yume, Kaigan Dori, Mai Waarudo, Rasuto Shiin, really moves me a lot and really touches my heart and makes me go �ahhhhh!!!!!!!! I wish I could understand what he�s singing!!!!!! I wish I could sing along!!!!!! Arghhhhhhhhhhh!!! Why can�t I understand Japanese!!!????� Doesn�t it??? It�s so very beautiful��. Ahhh�..
Loop and Loop, Kimi no machi made, Kimi to iu Hana, are so catchy and addictive too! Sometimes I can really play your songs the whole night and not be bored! Kimi no Machi Made is really brilliant I tell you! Actually, all of the songs are! Ok ok� I think I am going overboard�. Sorry. (the song is playing now that�s why it makes me say it!)
Anyway, I really hope that I would be able to see you live one day. I think it would be awesome. I am sorry I don�t think I can get to arrange for the concert and tour for you over here although I will still continue trying. But I hope actually, and WANT TO go to Japan during my holidays next year in MARCH 26-28 to go for your concert!!! Wouldn�t that be awesome????? I will see, if I don�t have Visa problems, I will definitely go! Hehe� if I have the money too!
Anyway, I just wanted to say that your music is awesome and it really touches my heart and moves me to want to do something for you because I think that more people should hear something so wonderful. But anyways, keep up the great work, and I hope you�re having fun =)
Take care.
Elaine
Date: Sun, 21 Nov 2004 22:52:40 -0800 (PST)
From: Elaine L
Subject: KEVIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To: Kevin Hor
hi hi hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
*fighting with demons inside*
wassuppppppppppp??? thought i'd email you.... wish you could write back more often (ouh but i know it was me who have not written for awhile). it's nice hearing from you and see how you see stuff... cause i realized i'm abit of an airhead. i definitely need to read more.... and learn more... and shimasu alot more........ i like that japanese word, shimasu... denotes "do" but can be used so flexibly... but generally do wayyyyyy more... do i even have a point here.
You know i realized i wish i was a little normal. here i am chatting with my friends and writing an email with you but seriously, i am battling so many demons inside. It's like i attach too many meanings to too many things (the music i listen to, the conversations i have, etc) that nothing i say is really just face value, there's just so much of other stuff going on behind every word i write and everything i do that sitting here i writing i have 10,000 other thoughts fighting by trying to pull me down and make me feel like crap about life.... and that's what i am constantly depressed even when i don't want to. i guess this is the meaning of boredom.
ouh must be making u depressed.
ANYWAYS! asian kung fu generation rocks! if there's one thing i regret abt not listening my friends and watching naruto earlier is that if i did i'd have known abt AKG much much muchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh earlier!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But yeah i am feeling like flying to Japan to see them for a concert. that's the meaning of life. going places that u can tell your grandkids about how stupid and impulsive you were when u were young but you're only young once and when this is gone that's it but i also went out on a date with a 48 year old man who is totally not like a 48 year old... i guess the whole family responsibility thing really changes people and GOD please give me a boyfriend like NOW so that i can have one relationship in my life so that i can get it over with and just be happy alone for the rest of my life and still not be pathetic cause i like being alone and i don't like the life ordinary.
that my friend, is a run-on sentence.
ok! write back i hope and tell me how you're doing... Are you gonna go back to KL in december? i'll be back there from 20th dec - 25th Jan i think.... if ur back there we could all go hang out again... yay... i guess... argh i need friend joh!
elaine
-mai waarudo-
AND NO, i am not on drugs right now. it's just a lil cold. due to the fan that is.
Biggest lie that you can tell yourself is that you're okay. which i don't think i am either that or this room is too cold and i mean that literally. this song it's sooo good it's called Mayonaka to Mahiru no Yume and don't ask me what it means cause i don't know.... i just know it means Mayonaka AND Mahiru's something..... whatever Mayonaka and Mahiru and Yume means....... wait.... lemme check....
woooooooooooo i got it.... in my retarded elementary Japanese translation... Mayonaka to Mahiru no Yume means.... midnight and midday's dream...... =D
woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! according to Norika-chan i got it right!!! woooooooo...... soooo happy.... Japanese class worked!!!! my dad's USD1300 didn't go to waste apparently! wooooooooo....
anyways....... i dunno. i wish i understood the rest of the song. damn.
REASON WHY I WANNA UNDERSTAND JAPANESE:
so that i can understand these AKG songs....... cause they are soooooooo beautiful. or dang, they SOUND so beautiful.
Damn i still can't find a song for the video i want........... all all the songs sounds great but all the songs also contain some problems with visuals............ damn.
feeling a lil depressed and i don't really know why.... because i know that whatever i do, it won't work? i should have called yesterday. at least i was up for it then. now i am just depressed, self conscious and chicken shit.
want to make an AKG video but uninspired....... ODDLY ENOUGH.
where's Karen.... feel like talking to her........ it's nice talking to her cause somehow, there's always something to talk abt.
i don't get american television with their homemakeover shows........ i mean geez, there are as many of these shows as there are Reality TV shows..... geez.
anyways......... mada paul ga suki desu.......... i still like paul......... and i know i said something to you all about it being just physical attraction........ but u know..... i don't really know. it'd be nice if i could talk to him cause that does make me happy, you know.
anyway, happiness is hard to come by. so.
anyway, satoshi is feeling lonely in Indiana.... i shouldn't have said to him "i'm sure you'll find yourself a girlfriend".... i should have been more sympathetic. he really seems like he wants a girlfriend.... so tht they can ask each other what they did that day, worry about someone, be responsible and look after someone....... he said he wanted that... =\
well i need to go look for the asian kung fu generation song and i hope that kinda my friend would lend me his digital video camera........ no?
anyway, here's Haido........ with Tetsu... Tetsu's really cute here too.
but apparently, unlike Haido, Tetsu is showing his age......... I mean hellz, he IS 37 for goodness sake! I think 37 or SOMEWHERE AROUND THERE.
I miss
satoshi
YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
L'ARC IS BEING PLAYED ON FULL METAL ALCHEMIST ON ADULT SWIM!!!!!!!! Thye are playing the Opening songs finally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ALSOOOOOOOOOOO
dat means................................................... ASIAN KUNG FU GENERATION MIGHT BE TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kyoo no deeto no repooto <--- bad japanese
Anyways.......... so tonight.
Things i discovered about Frank...
1) well... he is like twice or two and half times older than i am.... or so he says and since he was a math major from CALTECH (WHAT THE HECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!), i trust his calculations.
2) He did his undergraduate studies at CALTECH, damnnnnnnnnnnnnn that really totally pushed him up my book by like 10 folds the moment he said CALTECH. He was a Math major. AND YES, because he's so "old" he WAS IN CALTECH THE TIME THAT RICHARD P. FEYNMAN WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he's seen Richard Feynman around campus and used his textbooks and also who's that physicist? the one that coined the Big Bang theory, the guy who is handicapped wan? Well.... Frank said he used to serve lunch to that guy all the time.
3) Then the went to STANFORD for this Post Graduate studies................ danggggggggggg did Computer Science......
4) then he worked for Microsoft and helped write the programming for HYPHENS in the FIRST Microsoft PC and also worked on Word for the first Macs. 0_0
so yeah...... basically.
But what i think is very interesting about Frank is that.... well.... He's still very "young" in many ways........ If he's really just 5 years younger than my dad....... lemme say this is that, you know, my dad is a hundred folds more jaded than Frank is. It's like, if Frank is like 45-48 years old, he really DOES NOT act like that age group. Maybe it's cause he doesn't have a family, or like he's not a husband or a father you know... Because hearing him talk about life, he moves between Seattle and LA btw cause he has a house here and in Seattle, he's like my 35 year old aunt who's full of life, still thinking about doing different things, wanting to do different things... And the thing about Frank is that, he gets bored easily with things and with places. He can't stay in LA more than 3 weeks cause he gets bored. And we went to a club tonight after dinner and Santa Monica 3rd Street Promenade (sp), and he was the one who wanted to go a club.... And hearing him speak... it's like... he's a guy that wants to try new things, that is challenged to do something new, he just gets bored with old stuff. And seriously, that is totally sooooooo UNLIKE the mindset of other 45-48 year olds, you know.... and i guess that's what i appreciate about him.....
On the other hand.... my conclusion after tonight is that:
1) WE WILL ONLY JUST BE FRIENDS.
2) We will only hang out in THE VALLEY..... cause dude, did u see the traffic on the 405??? took us 1 1/2 hours to get to Santa Monica when it usually only takes 25 minutes.
3) I don't think he is romantically interested in me cause i think waht he did like about me and why he said to me "maybe we could go catch a concert together sometimes" is because he LOVESSSSSSSSSSS going for concerts... and THAT is another thing about him that i like because he is NOT afraid to do things that are maybe so called "meant" to be for the "younger" people.
So yeah........
I don't know.........
I don't know what to feel.
sometimes.... ima mada Paul ga suki desu.
I guess i'm just lonely.
so well... going out with the guy i met in the library tonite.... hope i'd have fun... gonna have "dinner" but dang, i ate alot today, like superbly alot alot... so not really hungry ne... i actually feel like shopping today more than going out you know.... I don't know... no?
ok i just skipped an AKFG song... i feel bad... it's not that i don't like that song.... heh, just that it's long song no?
so anyways, i am gonna go watch this TBS video before i leave cause TBS always makes me feel happy about life even if this won't mean a thing come tomorrow.
i wish i had a better looking body so i can sell it to fund myself through college and everything else that i want to do.
prostitution is the way to go.
yeap definitely.
you really hate days when you read shit like this:
DAD : since ALL my funds, including my retirement fund, will run out if he cannot complete on time
DAD : similarly, my original planning was for U to complete, by Spring 2005, after I realize U have lost those 20 transfer hours.
DAD : I can only allow U to pro-long your stay no later than summer 2, and this I can do, by using my 2005 travel allowance to fund your stay.
DAD : So, there is no way we (mum nor I) can be at your graduation, even if U can 'walk' in June.
I mean wtf study for then? wtf for?
damn it sucks i don't know japanese.
it's like watching AKFG, it's like you "know" all the songs you know... but you absolutely DON'T know them at all!!!!!!!!! it's like you can't sing to any of the songs!!!!!! damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!
anyways........ i really wanna see them live!!
i guess that's the shit thign abt liking bands from a different country... Like how i like Ash and Oasis and NFG and Finch and Blink.......... At least i saw 4/5 of those bands no?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH ASIAN KUNG FU GENERATIONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
well...... Aya-chan just taught me a new phrase "ima mo suki desu".... "now too like" wooo....
"ima demo daisuki desu. ima mo kiiteru yo."
Now still like sooooooooooooooooooo much ;) Now too/always listen. =D
yeapppp dats what I would say to asian kung fu generation if i saw them cause dats the only thing i know how to say..... Aya-chan said she mite also say to Mr. Children ;)
but of course, i won't ever meet AKFG to say that and erm.... lets hope aya-chan would meet her Mr. Sakurai one day ^^
I never said i'd take life lying down.
Hello Elaine,
Happy birthday! Nice to hear from you. Sorry you are feeling a bit low. I just did myusual activities this weekend, internet (just got DSL)music and TV, some shopping, and bike ride forexercise. Did go to the tennis match at Stapleslast thursday. Anyway, I would be happy tohave dinner with you this Friday, if you aren'tflying off to Florida or something.. I'll give youa call later this week (by Thursday).
Take care, Frank L.
WELL....... HAPPY NOW????? I DID take the innitiative.... and IS trying to forget Paul tho this guy look abit like him only older........ like wayyyyyyyyyyyy older........
but ahhhhhhhhh who cares... time to have some fun.
but sigh.... Paul ga suki desu...
ok... apparently there's a probelm with this layout too.... anyways...... this is what ur suppose to see:
if ur not....... please tell me so i can try to see what i can fix. i dunno why some browsers jsut won't view it.
Anyways......... feeling kinda depressed....... wahts' new.......
anyways..... a nice picture a day keeps the blues away....... so here are some things right now that makes me happy thinking abt it.
SUGARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! watashi no inu desu!
cute picture of haido always makes me smile ^^.
True love made in paradise....... Haido and Megumi...... always makes me happy and cheers me up to see such a cute guy being happy and in love with a wonderful woman =))))
and oh yeah....
them.... some of their songs are really upbeat. and not to mention i am addicted to their music. and oh yeah, they are damn talented too. and i mean REALLY REALLY talented and i really really really like them and admire them for the brilliance they've created.
Alrites....
i hope everything will go well tomorrow and the day after and for this whole week....
"don't hold your breath cause you only make things worse"
SO! since no one could see the previous blog properly except me, i've changed the layout again.... Asian Kung Fu Generation this time. wooooooooo... yeap... picture is of them, music playing is also them called "Kimi no Machi Made".... don't ask me what it means cause nihongo wa sukoshi sukoshi wakarimasu... I can only understand LITTLE LITTLE japanese.... I think i am suppose to know the meaning of Kimi and Machi by now but erm..... no.... But damn it's a great song.... I like all their songs actually. Especially their older ones. Those REALLY rocked.
Oh yeah.... I think that words at the side with the Kanji and stuff, it's Mirai no Kakera.... ALSO one of AKFG's song...... I think i like that song the best, and the next song i love is called Compass... I love Compass more in the Live version cause damn, they sound so energetic. And the only character i can read in those 5 things is "no" cause that's hiragana right????? Ouh... and i think Mirai no Kakera is translated as fragments of the future? I know that kakera means fragments/pieces? and no is the posessive particle right? and then mirai is future..... so i don't get why it's not future's fragment........ cause if ani no shigoto is Brother's job... then why isn't mirai no kakera = future's fragment? hmmmmmmmmmmm........... AS I SAID: Nihongo wa sukoshi sukoshi wakarimasu!!!!
anyways....... erm here's a link to a Asian Kung Fu Generation website with some soundbite!
http://home.arcor.de/a.k.g/ go to the media section and they even have Compass there: Rashinban it's called. AND THE SITE IS IN ENGLISH TOO!!!!!!!!! Eigo desu!!
anyways......... this was how the PREVIOUS layout was SUPPOSE to look like.
so anyways, will post more later.
???? ? ?????? ????? ?? ????????? ????????? ? ?? ? ?????? ??? ?? ???????????? ????????? ? ????? ? ?????? ??? ? ???? ? ??? ?????? ????
Dear Paul,
Why do i like him, why do i want him to call?
I like him cause well... he's cute, haha...
You know that's probably true that the reason why i want him is soly... i guess, you knowm i don't want it to be purely physical either. That i do wish he'd called me and ask me out cause he does want someone- or at least, need.
I just hate it cause i can never get the guy i want and some girls can just have all the cake cause they put on their make up right and say all the smart things that guys like to hear but do they really love you? No, they're just fucking around with you, that's all. But what about me? I don't say the right things, hells i don't even put on make yp- but what you see is what you get and i don't fake it just to "win" you- when i say something and as stupid and disadvanged it is to me, i say it because i do mean it and i don't want to play any game of coolness with you- but i guess that's what guys want- they want to play a stupid game-
well then fuck you. just go and swallow your fucking pride and die with it for being such a stupid fuck. that's my take. so fuck off if you don't like me- but at least i am willing to give you what i really am inside.
I guess i am angry with God and hurt by Debby and really am angry at her too cause she can say to me "i don't have a problem with like those" when i told her about how i couldn't get Paul and i didn't know what to do and i need her to advice me.
i mean wtf. what does she have that i don't?
ohhhhh elaine, damn, you really want me to count ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the ways?????????
There i verbalized it.... i want paul so i can go home and spit in the face of every one who said i couldn't.. but i guess i couldn't.. and sometimes i wonder if it's my personality that paul didn't like or was it anything else cause you know, he really shouldn't have offered friendship when he didn't mean it. I want to think that he liked me at least physically and then he knew that we just wouldn't get along. i don't know.
that's what i want to believe to be the truth but i really don't know. i wish i could ask him so.
I wear this bracelet i bought that has the word engraved on it "believe".... Sometimes i wonder believe in what?
You know, being here in California itself it all a dream come true.... Till this point, of being here itself, this is a dream come true, that i can never deny. but unfortunately you know, i never dreamt beyond coming here of what i what i wanted to do with being here...
And these days it's just a perpetual regret that i never lived my opportunity better.
I feel like I'm living on a flatline everyday for the past few weeks. This whole semester has been a slow decline towards a consistent flatline of my life. There's no progress, no growth, in any part of my life at all... not in my studies, not personally, not spritually, not in relationships even with friends, i mean seriously......... this is what flatlines mean, this is the meaning of stagnant.... and it really is...
And i feel really shitty and helpless. And like why is nothing happening as much as i try to make things happen nothing does. i just hate that. i just want something to happen i guess.... I just want something to move...
It's like... it's me bitching again... but you know... back then, at least i still had a part of my life to be happy about. At least if i was lonely, i still had friends. Or at least if my future was uncertain, my grades were still kick ass... Or at least if I didn't have a boyfriend, i didn't give a damn because i still had so much more to be happy about.
BUT NOW.
Damn! I feel like crap all over. I wake up and seriously, i have nothing to look forward to... All i think about is *pop* Paul wuahahahahha... then shit Daily Sundail stupid news assignments damn... then..... oh crap not yet finish my Japanese homework... and then that's it........ I keep thinking about sundail for the rest of the day of what i have to do and what i have to get through.... and that is it. That's it. There is nothing else in life.
that just sucks.
anyways... that's the Pacific Coast Highway (highway 1) in Malibu looking towards the Santa Monica Pier.... if you can see in the far background the thing that is protruding into the sea, that's Santa Monica Pier. When Satoshi used to be here, he'd take us/me around there.... It's like a 10 minute drive down the PCH towards Santa Monica. It's really beautiful there cause it's cloudy and gloomy all the time. Malibu is not as hip as you think it is, but it has some serene beauty that i like. Anyway, Pacific Coast Highway is the highway that streches through almost the entire California coastline from San Diego to San Francisco, i think. So if you see those movies with really cool shots of the Pacific Ocean and some fancy car driving down a winding road, that's probably the PCH.
I'm feeling a little shitty today. dunno why. discontentment with life i guess. the part about life that i hate the most is when you can't do anything about it to change it. that's the shittiest... so yeah, i am a little pissed off abt those parts of life.
so anyways, here haido-san and his beautiful lovely wife, megumi-san..... and YES HAIDO AND MEGUMI, don't anyway dare to think anything otherwise............ i found MORE pics of him and another girl... that B@$tard! damn, i am emotional... actually nah, he's too cute...
a cute guy a day takes the blues away.
Haido!
Megumi!
awwwwwe.... so cute thinking about cute lil haido with megumi.... hehehe... how cute, he's happy ^^.
I hope all your browsers would load this page properly.
well aparently this design does not work with firefox and MACINTOSH...... and it's best viewed in 1260 or something browser window.... hmmmmmmmmmm
alright... sorry for the lack of updates....
so well... i wrote a whole long blog and it got wiped out.... so i guess it's not meant to be.... lemme summarize then........
1) New Layout
Well.... to reflect my mood... i guess... The picture is from the Sayonara scene from the anime Rurouni Kenshin or Samurai X. It's the part where STUUUUUPID Kenshin leaves Kaoru and hugs her and tell her that "thank you for giving me a life i was looking for..... Sayonara... I must return to wandering again" and fucking ABANDONS her there crying....
I never like Kenshin anime version but for this ONE SCENE, i actually rate it higher than the manga version. I didn't think this scene was as powerful and poignant in the manga as it was in the anime... and they did a really nice touch with the fireflies and the coloring in the anime.... Also, they actually animated Kaoru's tears VERY well in this scene as you see the droplets of her tears falls as Kenshin embraces her, and then when she falls to her knees as he walks away with his back turned to her and she tries to grab out but she's immobilized and all she is capable of doing is kneel down and cry............. awesome scene............ makes me wanna shoot Kenshin.
But anyways... yeah.... i thought this was a really nice pic... then i was color adjusting it and i got the version that i have on the blog now and i think it's cool cause you still see the outline of her face and especially her tear...
But i feel this way these days cause i dunno..... i feel like crying.... almost every day.... and i'm really sad most of the days when i am in my new room alone, and you know.... nothing in my life is growing.... i just feel so stagnated and i feel like crying but that's all i can do you know.... cry alone in my room but there's no one to listen.... and there's no one to save me from my tears....
So yeah.... that's why this pic too i guess... and just happened that this pic really reflects how i feel lately.... and it's a cool pic too... don't you think?
And well.... the song that's playing is called Soraai by Every Little Thing... Next to Ai no Uta, this is my favourite ELT song.......
But dun worry.... if you want the Hyde song that was on the blog before this.... WELL...... Just click on Haido's pic! (btw, the song is gonna be up only for a few weeks so grab it now cause i don't wanna kill my website's bandwidth and webspace)
Haido's Pic
everybody say now "kawaii desu nee!" =DDD
Ok... i am gonan blog more later about Paul and the Sundial (the school's paper i am writing for).... Paul cause erm... heh, well.... i saw him again at a party.... and well.... yeah... fuck my stupid weakling heart. and FUCK, why must he be sooooooooo damn cute that day!!! CRAPPPPPPPPPPPP!!! and why sundial...... well cause i've been really dissapointed with them.....
Anyways! since haido's pic is up.... Paul parts are gonna be too.... cause lemme tell u something first.... *teaser*.... when i saw him on Saturday...... damnnn part of me wants to say that he was actually cuter than Hyde.... in SOME pics.... seriously.... He was....... damn! *there goes my heartttttt*
