Play Mode: Every Little Thing - Soraii, Hitomi - There is, Hyde - Shallow Sleep
1) A fan can never be a groupie
- You can't fake it. Can't pretend that you only want to make out with the band.
- You admire their music too damn much to have the guts to even talk to the band.
- You admire the band too much to even dare to go anywhere beyond a fan.
- You want more, yet... you know that their brilliance is what you love.
There were these two girls at the show today. I wasn't particularly jealous of them because of Keith's first comment on them that "those two girls stayed in our room last night. don't know how or what did that happen." and he said it in the way that, he wasn't gonna fuck those girls, you know- so i didn't feel so shit.
2) Keep your voices down
Everytime keith sings that part it always makes me shut up abit more-- I don't know why. Cuase i like to scream with bands, you know what i mean... and that line goes "so keep your voices down, can't you see that there are other people trying to sleep in this town," and i guess it always reminded me to not be so loud as a fan and to keep it down- you know.
I was jealous of this other girl tho, Candy. Michelle had told me that Days Away had spent a night at her place before... But yeah, i think she too kinda like Keith cause she was wanting to talk to him to, and she did, he was nearby, it was fucking hard to get Keith cause he's always about- But he was at where we were at anyway, and she nudge his arm and he turned around and he held her hand and sat by her, by us--
I mean, it's not like Keith ignored me and just talked to her. Nothing like that- He was talking to us all the same- But i guess it was the last part when were all saying goodbye that made me really jealous cause he told her "email me" before he left-- fuck.. sigh... Why i lament about that is that, fuckign Keith never trusted me with a contact number... he gave me his yahoo and AIM Screen Name and all that but he never ever logs online anymore anyway. And I guess... in retrospect, it just makes me realize that, you know, with Candy, they were friends... but I am, and still is, perhaps always will be a fan.
So yeah, I did get to talk to keith some today, wasn't excellent, but then again, maybe we don't have excellent conversations anyway... Towards the ending basically i was looking at him and he looked at me, and we had that awkward silence moment thing-- TWICE. So that fucking sucks too.
But well, got to talk him abit... as i say Keith is always out and about and if you ever meet Keith and he says to you "i need to go see this guy now, i'll be back" DON'T hold your breath cause he's AIN'T coming back!
But yeah, at the begining, Michelle wasn't there yet and I got to talk to Keith abit (damn, NOTE TO SELF: go to Days Away shows ALONE ELAINE)... I was standing at the door waiting for Michelle and for ONCE keith did acknowledge me and walked over and touched hands and stuff... Then the whole band was standing around... Got a big hug from a very-UNAVAILABLE Austin, then hellos from Tim and said hi to Chris (SEE I TOLD U! I can never talk to Chris!)... And so we were standing around (cause they were gonna go on stage soon) and I told Keith that Michelle thinks that he's mean to her and he was like "WHAT?! I'm mean to her?!" and I told him that they think that he's anti-social. And he was like "what?! I'm anti-social?! Do YOU think I'm anti-social" and i told him that he's never around and that's the thing... and he 'explained' that before the show he's still not rocking yet, then after the show he's too tired and I told him "yeah, yeah, you and your excuses" and he laughed and then Tim walked by and Keith asked him if he thought that he was antisocial- hehehe...
Then michelle got here and stuff and then she was gonna kill me for telling Keith that... But when we saw keith again I told him to go give Michelle a hug, hahaha... and he did, and Keith asked her why she thought he hated her. But Michelle didn't really answer and I asked Keith if he hated her, and he was like "of course not, i don't hate anyone. Do you hate me?" haha- poor dude!
Anyway, the show was cool. The EXACT SAME SET but well, it's a pleasure to watch Days Away...
And the most awesome part of it was that, at the middle of It Happens, when it's just the instrumental part and the whole band was just rocking out- that one moment in the waves of chords and drums and melodies, my heart was suddenly overwhelmed once again by how absolutely brilliant and beautiful their songs were and I remembered in that instance, why I loved them soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much--
ANd so yeah, the rest of the night was spent sitting around near the DA merch booth. I kinda felt bad for them cause no one bought their merch, or very little people did. TO begin with, it was a very indie/underground show and it was jsut a bad thing that Days Away was the first to go on, meaning that, if you don't sell merch by the time your set ends, or 1 band after your set ends, you're probably not gonna sell any merch anymore... So I went back out to the ATM to get money and bought a T-Shirt from them =) *sigh* You know, i'm still a fan you know, and I will always be supportive of a band i love, epecially if they need it because i will love them to whatever capacity I can.
Anyways, so we sat around, talked abit, sometimes with Austin around. so we got to talk to Austin the most.
Keith came in once and saw me and he did wave hi just me, so i was happy that moment! *sigh* *pathetic elaine, pathetic*
Anyways... so yeah Tim was cool he came in, and like slapped hands with us and stuff, told me to buy their merch-- Michelle is in love with Tim, think he's the perfect defintion of hot! hehehe, actually, i must say, of all in the band, Tim is the hottest =D
But yeah... that was mostly the night, and Keith came in at the very end and Candy called him over so he sat next to her and the first question he asked was like "I want to ask you... do you really think i'm anti-social?" hahahahhha... he's reallly THAT hung up about it huh??? It was actually candy who pointed out after the Chain show that she thought Keith was antisocial (cause he really didn't talk to her that night either) and sat in the van all day. But of course she just told him "kinda" said "yes" then "no" but anyways, I told keith that it's not that he's antisocial but that he's never around. And I commented about how the whole night he wasn't around and he was joking he was picking up girls... And that lead to something else then he told me that he's been to Candy's house before- and I told him that I heard that they stayed over- But it seems it was only for a party-- they started reminescing (sp) about the party but I KINDA cut in (I DIDN'T MEAN TO!!!) and asked him if he'd play at a show if I were to organize one if I HAD to leave one day-- Keith said if they were not busy then, it could be done. And it went on to him commenting about future shows and all that-- cause we Candy was saying really sarastically that this was "days away's annual visit to California" and i told Keith "NOTE THE SARCASM". Keith then also mentioned that he thought Candy's parents were cool.. I HAVE NO IDEA why he suddenly brought it up (it was in relation to the party DA had in her house i guess! She threw a party and invited DA to play in it) but well yeah, he was just smiling as always, cute as always, telling me about it =) Maybe just to joke around with Candy yeah. But anyways, he told us that they ain't gonna play old songs anymore, and Candy and I complained cause we were just talking about it. And i explained to him about how kids are just begining to pick up on the Feel Of It EP songs but they're not playing those anymore. Then Keith said they have no choice cause they have to introduce the new songs from the new album and all that- and they need to rehearse. But he told us they might pull back old old songs, not from the EPs, but really old songs. And I asked him which and he said "those like Beebop and Rocksteady" FUCK!!! AWESOME!!!!! And i told him excitedly to PLEASE BRING THOSE OUT SOON BEFORE I HAVE TO LEAVE!!!!!!! because damnnnnnnnn those are awesome songs ok! But anyways, then I asked Keith about that one song they had "nothing to lose" which is like WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY told and I was told how OLD it was!!!! and he explained that song was actually the first song they recorded back when they were like in 7th Grade!!!!!!!! And i told him that the song is just amazing cause of the intensity of the sounds and how the music just comes together but SHIT! I can't understand a thing that he's singing! wuahahahahhaha.... But i love how he looks at me everytime i do tell him how i feel about his music, cause for that moment there when i was talking about Nothing to Lose, he had that smile on his face and yet again that emergence of that soft sparkle in his eyes....
So yeah..
Anyways, we went outside when they were closing the place and the bands were leaving. Keith was already outside but he walked over to Candy, Michelle and me... And he was standing beside Candy and mostly Michelle and Candy talked and joked with him cause i'm just a fucking lamer at that- *sigh* *heart breaks*
But I swear the moment he was walking over to us, he was walking over to me- NOT AN ILLUSION OR DELUSION okay! cause i know he was looking at me when he was walking over to ME. Okay, i think he saw Candy and all that but really, when he was walking over it was towards me, but FUCKING SHIT, Michelle came in my way between our gaze just when he was about to reach me. Because i can fucking feel it, u know when you feel a connection with a person, and you know they're communicating with you and you're their intention- that was how i felt that moment Keith came towards us UNTIL MICHELLE fucking broke our contact *SIGHHHHH* (don't get me wrong, i am not angry at Michelle, just frustrated at the fucking timing)... And well, with that he went over to where Candy was instead...
Because i know it, because it was like all those moments before i had with Keith when he knew I was hoping for him-- and he always knew how i felt those moments when he looks into me- NO SERIOUS SHIT! He always knows- Like thats why I liked his hugs sometimes, cause it always comes at the right moment-- Like me walking to their van that time in Florida and he knew felt out of place and so he asked if i wanted to go for food, or that other moment there at the diner and he looked at me as i looked at him and he hugged me, and I knew that moment when he was walking over was like that, he was walking over to me.
But fuck, it never happened. i hate that shit. sigh
But anyway, during our conversations, like the whole group of us, maybe he saw i was looking at him wayyyyyyyyyyyyy too much but yeah i was looking at him way too much, and he was looking over at me... Fuck, maybe my eyes give taht out "fuck Keith, i want you" hmmmmmmm cause he would always look over to me when we were talking inside, and outside couple of moments when Candy and Michelle weren't joking with him, he looked over cause shite, i just didn't avert my gaze from him!!! sigh.... But all the moments of awkwardness... i don't know--
I do feel that Keith reads me pretty well, you know-- I don't know if it's just delusion talking or not, but in that Florida trip, he realized that i was feeling really weird and he wrote that even in my journal when i told him to write something-- And he knew it, and i wish---
I don't know, I don't know what I wish anymore...
Anyways, Keith had to leave in the end, it was cool he was the only one to linger with us and the last one to get into the van even cause everyone else was already inside and he was still chatting with us.... another reason why I don't feel envious of the two groupie girls cause Keith wasn't interested in that way.
So he looked at me, gave me a hug, then Michelle, then Candy... I don't want to comment cause erm, I can't evaluate without judgement, so.
Anyways.... yeah, i just feel real jealous of Candy cause Keith said "Email me" and it was a real blow to my heart because really you know... she's friends with him-- and I'll always be the silent fan...
I forgot where in, but i think it was between the time KEith was with the two groupie girls and Candy and Michelle joking with the rest of the band and about alot of the times with Days Away that i had missed cause well, fuck, i was in Malaysia... I guess I just found the peace in the fact that I don't mind adoring them SILENTLY from AFAR-- I think that is how i am with Days Away and with Finch and with Taking Back Sunday, as much as I do wish i could have more....
One thing is that, i don't have that history with these bands like the rest of my friends do... and I just can't seem to be so smart and tactful in making jokes with the bands that they will think "she'll cool"... I just don't know how to be cool, you know-- and that fucking sucks, but that's fucking how it is...
But i don't mind being the silent fan from afar because I think I'm okay with it.. I don't mind it because that is the reason why i love them any way- for their music.... BECAUSE of their brilliance, and that is what drew me into them and made me love them, those nights in Malaysia as Knows My Name played on the radio or in the car as I drove-- when i never knew their name or their faces... that was my reason and that will always be my reason and I am happy being the silent fan from afar because that is what i am.
I'm sorry Keith, that i will never get to party with you like Candy did, nor would i get to joke around with you Chris or talk to you about cool stuff Austin nor can I be the groupie that brings you to parties-- I can never be that-- But if you want a fan that would go for a show somewhere in god-forsaken Montana or something so that you will have a fan that don't know how to keep her voice down and screams louder than the monitors on stage in that crowd of 12 kids at your show-- if you need a fan to remind you in a god-forsaken place like Montana that you still rock, i will always be that fan.... but it's not something i mind being any way-- because i still love you ultimately for your brilliance, for your sounds and songs and melodies-- you're awesome that way you know that. And that is why i love you.
Well... i guess the nice part of the "goodbye" was that Keith was leaving to the van after saying "email me" to Candy, and suddenly i hear someone yelling from the van "BYE ELAINE!" and i looked over and I see Tim, his head sticking out from the van and a half wave-- and I yelled back "goodbye!"
goodbye, goodbye--
though my actual letting go of you, Days Away, is far from coming to pass just yet.
*sigh... and i still have the smell of keith lingering on my right cheek where he had hugged me... how am i ever going to bring myself to wash it off? I can't preserve it most definitely, but i don't want to lose it just yet? And yet, i know... I must...
sighh... someone... please tell me that it's good enough, beyond your widest dream that elaine... here at Troubadour, the first day you met Keith and saw Days Away last May, not just a little over a year later, you should really just be very very happy and thankful that well.... he knows your name.
and someone... please... tell me just that...
Thursday, July 01, 2004
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