ひとりの夜もそばにいようぜ　君と僕の歌を歌う

sigh... Fall semester starts again tomorrow- blah sad :(

eh eh... have I mention that i think that Nate is really cute in the adorable way and that I love him? well he is cute in the adorable way and I do love him- thought I share that thought with the world- except with Nate himself, except Hung, except Matt or even Eric- less Nate actually knows about it. That would be disasterous!

haha.

nah, I don't love him- just that my heart beats a little faster and I seem to lose my breath everytime I do think about Nate- no seriously, that REALLY happens everytime I do think about Nate- how unhealthy- but at least I'm getting some cardiovascular working up good there, especially cause i'm always thinking about Nate- so that means I'm constantly training my breathing and heart muscles =D! woo! it's health then! woo hoo! =D

-shop at Georgetown, Washington DC!-

we take a moment to think about Nate right now.............**takes a moment**............k... done... I <3 u, Nathan Scott Barcalow =D! I wanna be Nathan's! =D

Get up, get up
Come on, come on, lets go
There�s just a few things
I think that you should know
Those words at best
were worse than teenage poetry
Fragment ideas
and too many pronouns
Stop it, come on
You�re not making sense now
You can't make them want you
They're all just laughing

Literate and stylish (literate and stylish)
Kissable and quiet (kissable and quiet)
Well that's what girls dreams are made of
And that's all you need to know (and that�s all you need to know)
You have it or you don't (you have it or you)
You have it or you (don't)

You have it or you

You see how much time you're wastin?
You're coward of seperatin

Stop it, come on
you know I can�t help it
I got the mic
and you got the mosh pit
What will it take
to make you admit that you were wrong?
Was his demise so carefully constructed?
Well let's just say I got what I wanted
Cause in the end it�s always the same (you're still gone)
Lets go

This is me with the words on the tip of my tongue
And my eye through the scope
down the barrel of a gun (gun,gun)
Remind me not to ever act this way again
This is you trying hard to
make sure that you're seen
With a girl on your arm
and your heart on your sleeve
Remind me not to ever think of you again

Rest the weight (I know somethin that you don't know)
you've had your chance and folded
Don't hold your breath
because you'll only make things worse
Rest the weight (I know somethin that you don't know)
you've had your chance and folded
Don't hold your breath
because you'll only make things worse

(I know somethin that you don't know)
This is me with the words
(I know somethin that you don't know)
And you sure don�t
Hold your, hold your breath
(I know somethin that you don't know)
Because you'll only make things worse
Hold your breath
Because you'll only make things worse
Hold your breath
(I know somethin that you don't know)
because you'll only make things worse

---- wooo, taking back sunday!
k, this song is like constantly repeating in my head =\ that's one thing about TBS, it's tersangat amat addictive, makes me keep hearing adam in my head "literate and stylish, kissable and quiet, that what girls dreams are made of, and that's all you need to know, you have it or you don't, you have it or you" and then I also have John echoing somewhere in my head also "think of all the fun you had, the finest lines divides a night well spent from waste of time, and think of all the days you spend alone with just your TV set and I, I can barely smile"- ADDICTIVE!!! or like Cute Without the E is also really addictive, lemme see which part the most... yeh "(I stay jealous) I stay wrecked and jealous for this, For this simple reason I just need to keep you in mind as something larger than life" or Great Romances also gets to me alot-
But lately it's been Timberwolves at New Jersey, ADDICTIVE!!!!

woooo
**catches them kisses here in the city of angels**

ooh.. i've been DYING to share a blog wiv someone.. muacks to elaine for inviting me to share hers!! *non-stop blowing kisses in the direction of the City of Angels*

i love you, elaine.. :)

hehe.. that's my first post.. professing undying love for elaine.. *grin*

memorable indeed.

For all of you if you're even reading this and you're thinking that I'm really crazy or deluded or insane to actually go to Baltimore ot see Finch... lemme tell you that it's not because of Nate and it's not even because of Finch so much.... it's just that what I feel is that i get to be a part of history!! it's REALLY SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO cool because you and I know that I love Days Away and I love Finch. Days Away's song Waking Up and Knows My Name still reminds me about Malaysia and makes me feel REALLY REALLY nostalgic everytime I listen to them now because the songs were on my MD the last few months I was in Malaysia and I was always driving around and going places listening to those songs....
And like I remember going through the Days Away club and I saw a pic of Keith (Days Away's vocalist) and Nate sing together but the pic was like taken back in like March 2002 or something but it was before What It Is To Burn was released and I was like "dammit!!! and I missed everything!!!"
BUT NOW! I feel like I'm given a second chance, kinda like going back in time and given a chance to actually BE THERE! you know!!! THAT'S JUST AWESOME!!!!!!

So that's why I want to go for this show- and I pray tell, that my dad and God would forgive me-

am i losing you?

am i losing............

I'm waiting....

I'm waiting till it's over it's over now....

I do miss finch alot- i miss loving their music, I miss being totally overwhelmed by it, not cause it doesn't overwhelm me anymore but just that there's so much bullshit attached to Finch that I can't even play their songs any more and not have all these attachment bullshit come with it and that really sucks-

I really miss listening to their music as it is.. as it's suppose to be: overwhelming. And the raw intensity of their sounds just taking me up and making me lose my breath and exhale at the end of each song an overwhelming breath of "oh...wow..."- with that sense of awe and magnificent feeling bursting in your heart that just sweeps you off your world and your breath "take my breath away" and that is how listening to What It Is To Burn does to me when I do listen to them, when I allow myself to strip away the bullshit and just listen.

Gosh... when I did lose the meaning of it all? when did I forget what it's about? because... i really did....

I so want breath their music in again- to let in flood me as it did and as it should, to let it just take me over and overwhelm me, and take me up and turn me inside out with a sheer awe of their sounds- not think about all the rest of the bullshit, not think about anything else, no hopes, no memories, no dreams, no expectations, no bullshit- just plain, just pure just raw Finch, just RAW sounds that just punches through my heart and pulls me inside out that I actually feel helpless and drained after I hear their song. I want that once again... I want to experience, to RE-experience finch again, as it should have been, as it always should have been, about, their music, just their music, just their music, just their sound.

I guess... i miss you Finch, but by gosh, it means such a different meaning right now than what I always felt it did.... i really miss their sounds that had overwhelmed me like it did- i really miss that feeling that their music can do to me- all the time, sometimes almost everytime... still do, still do, at times like these, still do... so much... so much more...

sigh i feel so torn apart...
why can't we ever just act on impulses?
i mean seriously-
shit..
i cant seem to view myself as a sexually desirable being-
isn't that just BAD?
:(
sad.
too.
and like... sometimes why can't people just chill and tango with me-
i mean..
i mean you no harm
it doesn't have to mean anything at all
or hold any weight
sigh.
why can't the world just be a little more spontaneous?

i need to talk :(

oh yeah... internet died- have to go to the com lab :(

will be going to Washington DC/Baltimore- yes for more reasons than one =P dad said to me last night "elaine, if i find out you're going there just to see a concert I will never forgive you for spending that kind of money just for a concert"

what am i suppose to do? should I just sit here and wait for you listen to you screaming more Nate?

oh well, you beter be worth the defiance nate.

wait... i'm also going to see the Vietnam Wall actually- I have heard wondourous things about it (minus the tragedies) but i heard great things about the wall and plus, I've always had a place in my heart for the Vietnam Conflict- dunno why but I just can't help but think about the 18 year olds who were drafted, taken away from their families, stolen from their girlfriends and loved ones, and then killed in action so unwillingly- it's just such a tragedy to say the least-

so yeah, going there for the Wall too if not anything- and heh, i wanna see the White House! hehehehehe

I wanna dance to Movielife!! oh why did i never check them out earlier when they were touring CA!!! argh!!! =((

woooo...!!!

blah... i can't seem to purge this demon, i need to sleep, i need to breathe, I need to live-

what do i do..

shuck... shud not listen to emo- no no no...

how many emo kids does it take to screw a lightbulb?

None- they'll just sit in the dark and cry.

hahahahaha! that's such a great description of the emo sprirt! hahahaha =D

fake it sooner I'll make it-
together with you
have you ever felt so calm, so cool-
so invinsible beyond the world
and the tidal storm
overwhelms and consumes
you.

in the interim of the second moment and the third-
i think i remember you
the silences and the words
intervoices between moods and unspoken glances
don't you remember the night
i think i fell in love with you.

leave me all confuse
the sunrises again(st) these mountains
the neighborhoods
and the blowing breeze from the Pacific cool
we're under the same blue sky-

tell me what you see with your eyes,
as you lie there naked with her in your arms-
and you're staring into spaces
into the blueness of the same sky you and I see this early morning,
this dawn,
and your gazing eyes you look, you see, as she breathes so sofly, so calmly in your arms-
you remember the places
the bluring of faces
the intensity of the many thousand nights in the light- without her-
the life that was the one year that has speed by-
and now you're here-
she is in your arms-
her smell,
her breathing
the calm-
from the thousand crazy nights
Tell me what you see with your eyes
as she lies there naked in your arms tonight-
in this dawning blue light-

I miss you-
i want to see you in that light,
to see your eyes
in empty gazes
thinking of the hazy moments that was your life-
your experiences.

How much have you changed if you have ever changed at all.

Your eyes-

We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore.
We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore.
We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore.
We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore.

Think of all the fun you had.
The finest line divides a night well spent from a waste of time.
Think of all the days you spent alone with just your T.V. set and......"I can barely smile"

Think of all the fun you had.
The finest line divides a night well spent from a waste of time.
Think of all the days you spent alone with just your T.V. set and......"I can barely smile"

Let's go...
He's smoked out in the back of the van, says he's held up with holding on and on and on.
He's smoked out in the back of the van, says he's held up with holding on and on and on.


Dunno why this Taking Back Sunday song keeps playing in my head although of course it's Taking Back Sunday and Taking Back Sunday always keeps playing in your head-
But I guess I always think and relate to that line "the finest lines divides a night well spent from waste of time. And think of all the days you spent alone with just your TV sent and I... I can barely smile"
Because well... John (Nolan), that's like the definition of my life in America- boarders between nights spent from wasted time and seriously, the days and nights that I just spend alone wiht my TV set- the past two days for example- sigh... i just feel quite lonely sometimes and I do wish I had friends around sometimes- I do have friends- I just wish I had friends to hang out with sometimes, you know what i mean? It makes such great difference you know, it really does make such great difference- sigh...

"hey, hey" he said trying to get the attention of his friends-
they finally look at him, "What?"
"There's an empty wall," he said motioning with his eyes to the empty wall behind them, "let's lean"
she looks at him amused- he was talented- one which was capable of making her love him with that unhealthy amiration that she has for so many others- he was different- from the rest of his friends it seems, an air of creativity to him, something different in the way he dresses, an aura of 'i want to push the edge' about him, something deeper within him, a demon, a desire, layers and layers of psychoses, of thoughts, of art, of hopes, of dreams, of wishes, of wants, of desire, of vision- a leader, a creator, not a follower- I want something different, i want something more, i want something of quality, I want something that recreates boundaries, my boundaries- plus, he was also quite cute.
And he was drunk.
They move back toward the wall.
And they lean.


Shit, I do not wanna grow an unheatlhy admiration for John (not Nolan!)- sigh... elaine elaine, always (Fatally) attracted to people who are just simply different, deep, has more than meets the eye, that reaches beyond themselves, that pushes boundaries, that wants more, that thinks thinks and thinks, and does not just float through life for the sake of living but to pursue life for all it can offer, for all that they can offer- I love guys like those- gosh, someome save me-

sigh... i think i'll go write that story "A walk that never was" though heck, i don't think i have enough to go with- I don't know why but most of my writings have been so personal lately- so much less of a creation than a reaction to life- seriously- it's like it's no longer much about situations that i create out- but more of projects of what i want from life- I'm taking a whole different Point of View of the line I always say "i give my characters what I want in life"- these days it's mostly about situations in life i can never have, that I want happen to me but never will, and all i can do is save them and make them live and be alive through imagination, through my stories- and thus it's a walk that never was, it's a lunch that never was, it's a conversation that never was, it's a bus ride that never was...

I wanna write a book called Nathan- go figure what it's gonna be about! hahahaha =P

like a bad star, i'm falling faster down to her- she's the only one who knows what it is to burn-

i should listen to Finch again..... i think i had the best time of my life at my very first Finch show in UK- I wish I knew more of their songs back then- I know they played Untitled and Post Scripts and Grey Matter but I didn't know those songs- First night was great cause they opened with What It Is To Burn, though I didn't really know the song back then, how sad, why did i NEVER check Finch out when WIITB was released until April did I only check them out, why did I wait?? sigh... But they opened with What It Is To Burn, and then they went into Ender and I was TOTALLY shocked- I was like "What?! I never thought they'd play this song!!" cause well... it's like 5-6 minutes long (16 mins on the album, what a waste of batteries =D). And then somewhere in the set they actually played Stay With Me- that was just plain awesome that they did- it was the first and it was the LAST ever time I ever heard them play Stay With Me. Very sad they chose to disown that song cause I must say, it's very un-Finch, and I don't think that's the sound OR the lyrics and image that Finch wants to potray- i mean what the heck! "cause every star that I see is brighter than the last, so stay with me"- GOSH NATE! SAPPY! But hell! I love it! I rememeber the very first time I checked out the lyrics for Stay With Me cause I couldn't figure out what Nate was singing in that last line- and when I read "cause every star that I see is brighter than the last" i was like "WHAT?! FINCH writing THIS???"- as much as I didn't know Finch's music at all at that time, but seriously, FINCH! I mean, i heard Awake like months before that and Awake sounded NOTHING like Stay With Me!!! Gosh... Well, Stay WIth Me is still Finch's sweetest song- yes and written by Nate for his beautiful girlfriend Ivy ;) But I like that song, I know it's very un-Finch, but it's just plain lovely- the lyrics are just absolutely sincere too- it's like I don't feel that "cause every star that I see is brighter than the last" is sappy at all if you read the rest of the lyrics- cause the lyrics DOES paint a story and potrait, and you can really see Nate there all nervous driving Ivy home or something- and when it comes to the last line of the song, it doesn't sound too far fetch that every star he sees is brighter than the last-

Anyways, enough about Finch- yeah right, elaine, when will you ever say enough about Finch-

I guess I just miss them-

oh cacat... posted something new and now it's gone...

anyway I am very VERY VERY VERY happy that Finch got nominated on Kerrang!

like all of my prayers are all coming true!!!

Even if it takes 1 year!!!!! It's STILL COMING TRUE!!!

I prayed that there will be albums available in malaysia and now geffen says there is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (GO BUY!!)
One year ago, everytime I looked at newstands, i really longed and hope that Finch would be tabbed on Guitar magazine and last month, they were!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now! i wanted Finch to be nominated in some kind of awards and now they are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am soooooooooooo happy for them!!!!!!!!!

I don't know- are we gonna lose Finch now?

Screw it- you can't lose what you never had! They're already playing sold out shows- so what! I want more- I want them to play bigger venues and more sold out shows. Who cares if the most pit in Palladium sucks, who cares of seatings of Universal Amphitheater sucks?? Who cares! I want them THERE! I guess... I just want them to be happy you know..

I don't know... such dichotomy of feelings....

i am worried

so should I go to Baltimore just for finch?
How much do I love them?
=I don't know... i mean I came all the way to CALIFORNIA just for Finch you know, why hold back now?
Don't you miss finch? don't you miss seeing them live elaine? why the hessiation?
cause erm... it's gonna costs me $400 to get and stay in Baltimore? Cause erm $400 is equalavent to RM1600 back home- just for one band elaine? Just for Finch? and well, okayler, Days Away too but you know for sure it's primarily for Finch- are they worth it? Must I convert? =\
I mean i wanted to go visit DC also because at least, it's gonna be more worth it, but now... I'm not gonna get to see anything but Towson, Maryland- go for the show, then go back- I mean, what the heck! Money don't grow on trees you know...
But I was looking at Finch's pic today- and I feel like going for the show- that I know i can skip Warped Tour and miss Taking Back Sunday, I can miss Brand New, I can miss Thursday, but I can't miss Finch..... but i did miss one of their SoCal date before, the show in San Diego after the Irvine KROQ Weenie Roast show- I mean, so why go all the way there now?
Something philosophical maybe- cause I want to show that I can. No... cause I just feel that this is a journey I must take on my own before I turn 21- though i must say, it would be awesome if I could visit the Vietnam memorial too. but Wey June and Evonne might be coming here to Calif. so I wanna see them that makes me can't go to DC and only to Baltimore...

SO WHAT?!

I know if there's one band who can make me go alllllllllllllllll that way, it's gonna be finch-

so well Finch- this is for you, k.... I've seen you east coast, west coast, UK, America, now I just need to see you back in Malaysia and then I can say that I've travelled the world with you-

a new band was born instead!!

John Nolan's new band!!! STRAYLIGHT RUN! wooooooooo!

www.straylightrun.com

so TBS didn't break up haha =P