into the void

well... i'm waiting for his email... i hope he emails.

I mean... damn... guess my "happiness" only lasted for that long.... 12 hours.... then all the paranonia and dissapointments and worries and doubts set in again.

I mean... for the first time... i guess i was happy cause i didn't think that he was like scared or anything... u know.... like Hung was when i decided to "surprise" him. Or at least for the first time it didn't seem like i was deperate or obsessed u know (cause i was not) but just crazy, yes (which i was tho =P)

I mean like... maybe he was shocked? but he was talking like normal? i wonder if this whole thing will be like the Hung thing again or not, and i guess that's what i am quite scared abt.... I hope he's cooler about it that way.... i hope he emails me anyway....

pls, may i go back to california now, please? thank you very very much. says:
i drove 200km today

pls, may i go back to california now, please? thank you very very much. says:
from here to town up brickfields to bangsar back down towards Klang Lama to Kajang Highway to Sri Kembangan to Putrajaya to KLIA back through Putrajaya to lots and lots and lots of highways and tols to Cheras to Loke Yew to Jalan Masjid to Jalan Ampang to KLCC to Brickfields to Bangsar to home only to be screamed at by my dad for scamming him USD9000

yes i am back home but i am begining to remember why i didn't wanna come back =P

anyways i didn't get to buy the AKG concert tickets and i am a little sad because they damn kick ass and i think they are beyond superb and yes i am listening to their song now and it's still not killing me... instead of saying i love AKG i think i'm just going to keep saying that they are just awesome and amazing and incredibly talented and they are so great...... hmmm

ok anyways. Not like anyone's listening but a shout out to Yan Yee, thanks soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much for trying to get the tickets for me. You're awesome!!!!!! And also, another shout out to Aya-chan her MOM!!! for being so cool!!! hehehe.... lemme quote Aya-chan's email...

"Yeah,, I did ask my mom about AKG's concert ticket.Then, first, she said, "They're awesome!" So I simply asked her whether shecould get a ticket or not. Then she told me that unfortunately she was not amembership of fan-club for Asian Kung-Fu Generation YET, so she said itwould be difficlt to get a ticket.( Actually she said "two tickets" so iasked her "why two?" and she siad "one for Elaine-chan and one for me Oka-san") But she tried. she called concert ticket company for one hour buti'm sorry she couldn't get it."

Thank you so much to lovely Aya-chan!! and her okasan! thanks!!!! I hope we remain friends for long and i won't dissapoint you!!!

so anyways......

AKG.... watashi wa erm... anata no ongaku ga totemo *insert some Japanese word her for the following description: awesome, great, amazing, brillaint, outstanding, shining, kick ass, kicked my ass, totally and absolutely simpley just beyond awesome*......... alright... as u can see, I AM listening to AKG now, Jihei Tansaku.... i have absolutely NO IDEA whatsoever he's singing except "dare ga hero" but whatever, they are just beyond man... whether or not i understand their words or not.

Anyway, thank you again Yan Yee, Aya-chan, Aya-chan no okaasan, Masa, Mayuko-san, Ryota and everyone who has so freely and unselfishly made themselves available to the onslaughts of my obsessive impulses. Thank you so VERY VERY VERY much for tolerating me and being soooooooooooooooo awesome towards me when i really don't deserve it. You're what makes life beautiful and worth living for and make me remember that this world can be nice afterall... Thanks!!!!!!

i was reading this book today Into Thin Air.... that book about the 1996 Mount Everest disaster. Didn't know that it was actually written by a "fellow" journalist.

It's a great book actually. I enjoyed it immensely except for the ever-great "American Flaw" which is the characteristic of being ethnocentrically crtical and judgemental of non-Anglo people. I totally hate that. Like how he's very critical of the mistakes made by the non-whites Sherpas, the Russian guide, the Japanese expedition and client-- i just didn't like how he generalized the actions/words of these non-whites as being the culture and nature of all Russians, Sherpas, Japanese. I just didn't like his generalization and making it seems as if all Sherpas, Russians and Japanese are irresponsible and selfish. While on the other hand, for the white people, the mistakes and actions/words of these people were attributed to personal and individual qualities. Also, when he does mention the heroism of the Sherpas it is often attributed also as a cultural quality instead of individual effort as he did with the white people. I don't know why alot, and i do mean alot of even the most well meaning white people are like that, seriously... You know, just cause you're white, doesn't mean you're great. I mean, I may be a little dim-headed, shitty reporter, has less of a flair for words and much smaller vocabulary than this dude, but really, i am not totally dumb and what i know i do have is the ability to be critical when the enthocentric flag is raised.

ANYWAYS... those glitches aside, what i did enjoy about his book is his humor... damn great man... Lemme quote from his book.

"When it came time for each of us to assess our own abilities and weigh them against the formidable challenges of the world's highest mountain, it sometimes seemed as though half the population at Base Camp was clinically delusional"

"But perhaps this shouldn't have come as a surprise. Everest has always been a magnet for kooks, publicity seekers, hopeless romantics, and others whith a shaky hold on reality."

Mannnnnnnnn classsic!

I also liked how, i guess.... it wasn't so noticable until the end in the afterwords when he was arguing the validity of his accounts in the book, he brings out/cites a wealth of information that he had double checked with other survivors/people who were there whom he had interviewed... And there was another dude who published another book The Climb who challenged this dude's account of the disaster........ And u know what, when this dude backed up all his facts with his interview transcripts, etc....... all i can say is, you know what, sometimes it's almost impossible to challenge a truly experienced reporter who is concretely backed up by solid notes. That was when the true journalistic qualities of this book shines through.

Anyways....... His book made me realize, or realize even more, the great use of journalism u know...... I mean, i guess i seriously just really need to learn to love reporting... But the skills u aquire as a reporter is really cool. It really really teaches you alot on how to contact the right people, how to come up with an angle, who to contact, how to try to get people who don't want to talk to talk and how to get people who talk to talk to you abt the things you want to know, how to ask the right questions to get the information you need, to know what questions to ask to begin with..... it's great u know, what reporting can teach you......

And u know....... I love music, and in many parts of me, i love cross cultural studies..... i just wish i could find a way to intergrate those two with reporting and do something in my life that amounts to something significant in the end, you know what i mean? I don't think i can do it, but i sure as hell want to.

i am dissapointed with:

1) fucking life. fucking shit, stuck in LA for another 3 days man. wtf! ouh man...... i am ready to go home now, please lemme go backkkkkkkkkkkkkk....... i wanna go backkkkkkkkkkkkk......... sighhhhhhhhhh............. TOTEMO TSUMARANAI!!!!!!! TOTEMOOOOO.......... sighhhhhh.......
2) my family. some. curently i love my mom, my dad and my brother and yes, my godparents and my "god brother" wuahahahhaha...... geez Dez is my godbrother huh??? goshhhhhhh. is he suppose to be like setting an example for me or something???
3) my friends. some. sorry. KONON JE LAH KAWAN.
4) myself. shite.

To die, to sleep: no more!
And by a sleep to say we end the heartache
And the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to.
To die, to sleep; to sleep, perchance to dream:
Ay, there's the rub:
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil
Must give us pause!

Shakespeare was talking abt suicide here........ not dreams... the dreams he's reffering to is the retribution in afterlife for the mortal sin of suicide (Christianity). Yeap... that 1 1/2 years of A-Levels, that's what i learnt.

And from Shakespeare... here's Brand New's song Moshi Moshi.

What do I do when you get close?
If I kissed your neck, would you slit my throat?
Are you thinking of me when you're putting on your makeup,
darling, and dying your hair like you do
Well you're wasting time if you're trying to impress me
I waste all my time just thinking of you

And I'm not imagining how you give me the shivers,
standing up to your waste in your river
You're the sweetest boat-builder I think I've ever seen
Dream in Japanese, dream in Japanese,
some language I don't even know how to speak
You're still pretty and I am still choked up,
it's probably just the same
The more I hang around you,
the more hang-ups I get (more hang-ups I get)

Are you thinking of me when you're putting on your makeup, darling,
and dying your hair like
you do? (dying your hair like you do)
Well you're wasting time if you're trying to impress me
I waste all my time just thinking of you

I know that you're an angel,
though you could never stay true (you could never stay true)
Hey angel, I think your halo has a screw loose,
'cause you dropped me like a brick off the rooftop of your high school
Could I watch the next time you're applying your eyeliner?
I waste all my time just thinking of you


Both as definitive of how i feel right now.

i think the reason why i am depressed is because i ca't find something that i actually like about myself. I don't know... usually, at least for the last year or two, i've always been able to find a certain sstrenth in me to love and to appreciate about myself that makes me need and want others less that gives me the strength to say fuck you to everyone and anyone who fucks with me. yet now i find myself needing so much, find myself having needing to depend on others for my own happiness... for my own selfworth? I can'tfind something to love, to like about me, i just can't. i am painted with ugliness and i can't seem to define myself. i don't know what happened but i just lost it you know. i can't find one thing to like about me. to like about myself. and i hate that, i hate that becasue i can't dig myself out of this....

ouh man......... looks like March is gonna be a week really cut out for me *sigh* then again, it's the week before spring break...... i wish i really really wish i can really go to Japan during spring break to see AKG........ but the again that's another one on the long list of my "broken dreams"

shite.

PERnant Ian: ok, time to deploy some Taking Back Sunday, my own personal Zoloft
PERnant Ian: hopefully they'll make me feel better
PERnant Ian: i tell u
PERnant Ian: i think a TBS pit really is my best anti-depressant
PERnant Ian: dunno why when u go in there
PERnant Ian: get crushed to death
PERnant Ian: go breathless and nearly pass out from screaming to the songs too much
PERnant Ian: THAT, is like THE cure man

But i am serious. it's like everything fades when i get into that pit. I don't like mosh pits much cause it's really dangerous really. But sometimes when i am depressed, getting into a TBS pit is like the best thing in the world. not in the world lah. but one of the best instantaneous cure. you sing and scream and scream your lungs out with the band and the damn crowd is crushing you, and then crowd surfers is trying to kill u with their flying kicks...... ouhhhhhhhhhhh mannnn...... at the end of the set (which is always da shittiest part), you're left with a stupid smile on your face stretched from one end to another end and an immense lightness of being floating inside u. Damn great! and you're like cannot hear anything, still cannot breathe well, voice gonna be gone.... but mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn it's like this relaxing feeling and a calm inside that washes over you and you're just like "ouhhhhhhh mannnnnnnnnnn that was the greatest thrill ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" BEST BEST BESTS songs to sing/scream/drown/die to in the pit.... Cute Without The E, Decade Under the Influence (AMAZINGGGGGGGGGGG!!!), You're So Last Summer, Great Romances of the 20th Century, Timberwolves at New Jersey............... AMAZINGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! arghhhhhhhh damnnnnnnnnnnnnn where's TBS when i need them????????????

Yeap..........

if u ask me what a TBS pit means to me, that's what it means to me.

New layout! New song! New bg! the flowers are abit annoying to me.... so if it's annoying to you too, please tell me... =D

Song: Argh... I am a Pirate by Zolof the Rock Destroyer. they are a fun fun fun fun band =D

Alright, i think i need to redesign, like REALLY redesign the blog........ since i am gonna go back to Malaysia i think i'll do it then.... But abit lazy to deal with CSS and HTML. It's like brain won't function.

Please feel free to leave comments......... show me i'm loved....... I'm abit of the insecure and sensitive type ;) ABIT is an understatement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =(

I dun think that courtney love.... yeapppp... courtney love gets the credit she deserves for her lyrics. I think her lyrics are simply brilliant. I think her lyrics have alot of truth in them that only a person like Courtney Love who has gone through all she has can write something like it.

Hey, this life is never fair
The angels that you need are never there

We all get our glory
A little bit of fame
But there's no truth at the heart of any of it
Just the brilliance and the passion
And the bitterness remains

Oh how he brings me down
Oh, down into the ground
I never will get out
And I never will get out

And I'll protect you from the night
It will never fall
I'll protect you from the truth
Won't hear it at all

When you're in the whirlpool
And they try to suck you in
Remember, you aren't gonna drown
Baby, 'til you have been alive
Hang on to me, forever baby
I could always swim

Hush, your highness
Don't you breathe
Baby, hold me in your arms
I'm shivering
But what's all that for?
If I was the battle
Baby, you have won the war

And I love this whole song.... "Never Gonna Be The Same" the best...... i think it's just absolutely brilliant... and seriously, i think only Courtney Love could have written something so tragically brilliant.

Cut me up today
Should've stood in your way
You lied

And everywhere a dream
Nothing came between
I died

Give me a way
I will not bleed for you
God comes down

Never gonna be the same
Never gonna be the same
Never gonna be the same

And if you wanted water
And if you want food
And if you want shelter
I can not come over to you
And if you want love now
Or a needle and a spoon
You gotta show a little faith in me now baby i can't come over to you
It's never gonna be the same
Never gonna be the same
God come on down

And if you want out
Sitting by the bay
Well the sun went down tomorrow
It will not come up today
And if you want love now
Or rapture un so cruel
If there's a god it's me
Now baby i can not come over to you
It's never gonna be the same
She drew me in anyway
She lied

You gotta show a little faith
In your old rugged cross you made
What goes up must it go down and down and down
You cried.

And if i wanted fame now
All the glory all the womb?
And if i want my name emblazened in all the light in you
And if i wanted Christ or a Messiah by my side
I can't believe in anything i know that mary lied
Sucked you up today
Could've gone in your way
Oh mary lied

Do you know
Can you feel it
Do you feel me
Yeah
And if you wanted madness and if you want whats pure
Well you gotta come over to me baby my life doesn't reach to you and
If you want love so unconditional and real you gotta ride
That black horse baby through the depths of hell that i've been
follow me away
Yeah though I walk
I will be the same
Strongest one to name
Through the valley of life
I'm gonna be the same
Goodnight goodnight goodnight
Ah goodnight
Oh you'll never be the same

BRILLIANT!!!!!

and of course... only courtney love can write lines like this and mean it.

I am the centre of the unverise
I am the centre of the universe
I am the centre of the universe

couple of things...

taking back sunday still leaves me breathless....... and i don't just mean that methaphorically. It's true... hahaha..... standing their mosh pit screaming my lungs out, seriously, couple of times was gonna pass out. And da thing is that they keep putting Decade Under The Influence right before Cute Without The E. So like I am screaming my head off, and always till the "bridge" second last part when he sing "Anyone will do tonight Anyone will do tonight Close your eyes, just settle, settle Close your eyes, just settle, settle. Well I got a bad feeling about this, I got a bad feeling about this (to hell with you and all your friends, it's on). I'm coming over but it never was enough I thought it through and my worst brings out the best in you" ouh mannnnnnn........ i tell u.... i always feel like the air going out of my lungs these parts........ awesome awesome...... THEN after the song ends, they play Cute Without The E, and then AGAIN!!! it's screaming time!!! woooooooo ahhhhhhh... I realize from yesterday's show..... cause it was in Universal Amphitheater and it was like a Radio show... KROQ Acoustic Christmas, so the mosh pit was TOTALLY quiet during TBS' set cause 1) there are very little people who can get the pit tickets... 2) there are very little hardcore fans in the pit cause there are like 10 other bands playing and it was already so hard to get the pit tickets itself.
ANYWAYS! so what i found also is that, heheheeh, with or without the energy of the crowd, i think your own madness and the band's energy is enough to make it the same anywya!!! still damn great!!!

ALSO, i was happy.... i met Matt and got to say hi and hehe, he remembers meee~ nice to be remembered by a band you love =D