into the void

i wish i had a better looking body so i can sell it to fund myself through college and everything else that i want to do.

prostitution is the way to go.

yeap definitely.

you really hate days when you read shit like this:

DAD : since ALL my funds, including my retirement fund, will run out if he cannot complete on time
DAD : similarly, my original planning was for U to complete, by Spring 2005, after I realize U have lost those 20 transfer hours.
DAD : I can only allow U to pro-long your stay no later than summer 2, and this I can do, by using my 2005 travel allowance to fund your stay.
DAD : So, there is no way we (mum nor I) can be at your graduation, even if U can 'walk' in June.

I mean wtf study for then? wtf for?

damn it sucks i don't know japanese.

it's like watching AKFG, it's like you "know" all the songs you know... but you absolutely DON'T know them at all!!!!!!!!! it's like you can't sing to any of the songs!!!!!! damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!

anyways........ i really wanna see them live!!

i guess that's the shit thign abt liking bands from a different country... Like how i like Ash and Oasis and NFG and Finch and Blink.......... At least i saw 4/5 of those bands no?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH ASIAN KUNG FU GENERATIONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

well...... Aya-chan just taught me a new phrase "ima mo suki desu".... "now too like" wooo....

"ima demo daisuki desu. ima mo kiiteru yo."

Now still like sooooooooooooooooooo much ;) Now too/always listen. =D

yeapppp dats what I would say to asian kung fu generation if i saw them cause dats the only thing i know how to say..... Aya-chan said she mite also say to Mr. Children ;)

but of course, i won't ever meet AKFG to say that and erm.... lets hope aya-chan would meet her Mr. Sakurai one day ^^

I never said i'd take life lying down.


Hello Elaine,

Happy birthday! Nice to hear from you. Sorry you are feeling a bit low. I just did myusual activities this weekend, internet (just got DSL)music and TV, some shopping, and bike ride forexercise. Did go to the tennis match at Stapleslast thursday. Anyway, I would be happy tohave dinner with you this Friday, if you aren'tflying off to Florida or something.. I'll give youa call later this week (by Thursday).

Take care, Frank L.


WELL....... HAPPY NOW????? I DID take the innitiative.... and IS trying to forget Paul tho this guy look abit like him only older........ like wayyyyyyyyyyyy older........

but ahhhhhhhhh who cares... time to have some fun.

but sigh.... Paul ga suki desu...

ok... apparently there's a probelm with this layout too.... anyways...... this is what ur suppose to see:


if ur not....... please tell me so i can try to see what i can fix. i dunno why some browsers jsut won't view it.

Anyways......... feeling kinda depressed....... wahts' new.......

anyways..... a nice picture a day keeps the blues away....... so here are some things right now that makes me happy thinking abt it.



and oh yeah....


Alrites....

i hope everything will go well tomorrow and the day after and for this whole week....

"don't hold your breath cause you only make things worse"

SO! since no one could see the previous blog properly except me, i've changed the layout again.... Asian Kung Fu Generation this time. wooooooooo... yeap... picture is of them, music playing is also them called "Kimi no Machi Made".... don't ask me what it means cause nihongo wa sukoshi sukoshi wakarimasu... I can only understand LITTLE LITTLE japanese.... I think i am suppose to know the meaning of Kimi and Machi by now but erm..... no.... But damn it's a great song.... I like all their songs actually. Especially their older ones. Those REALLY rocked.

Oh yeah.... I think that words at the side with the Kanji and stuff, it's Mirai no Kakera.... ALSO one of AKFG's song...... I think i like that song the best, and the next song i love is called Compass... I love Compass more in the Live version cause damn, they sound so energetic. And the only character i can read in those 5 things is "no" cause that's hiragana right????? Ouh... and i think Mirai no Kakera is translated as fragments of the future? I know that kakera means fragments/pieces? and no is the posessive particle right? and then mirai is future..... so i don't get why it's not future's fragment........ cause if ani no shigoto is Brother's job... then why isn't mirai no kakera = future's fragment? hmmmmmmmmmmm........... AS I SAID: Nihongo wa sukoshi sukoshi wakarimasu!!!!

anyways....... erm here's a link to a Asian Kung Fu Generation website with some soundbite!
http://home.arcor.de/a.k.g/ go to the media section and they even have Compass there: Rashinban it's called. AND THE SITE IS IN ENGLISH TOO!!!!!!!!! Eigo desu!!

anyways......... this was how the PREVIOUS layout was SUPPOSE to look like.


so anyways, will post more later.

???? ? ?????? ????? ?? ????????? ????????? ? ?? ? ?????? ??? ?? ???????????? ????????? ? ????? ? ?????? ??? ? ???? ? ??? ?????? ????

Dear Paul,

Why do i like him, why do i want him to call?
I like him cause well... he's cute, haha...
You know that's probably true that the reason why i want him is soly... i guess, you knowm i don't want it to be purely physical either. That i do wish he'd called me and ask me out cause he does want someone- or at least, need.
I just hate it cause i can never get the guy i want and some girls can just have all the cake cause they put on their make up right and say all the smart things that guys like to hear but do they really love you? No, they're just fucking around with you, that's all. But what about me? I don't say the right things, hells i don't even put on make yp- but what you see is what you get and i don't fake it just to "win" you- when i say something and as stupid and disadvanged it is to me, i say it because i do mean it and i don't want to play any game of coolness with you- but i guess that's what guys want- they want to play a stupid game-
well then fuck you. just go and swallow your fucking pride and die with it for being such a stupid fuck. that's my take. so fuck off if you don't like me- but at least i am willing to give you what i really am inside.

I guess i am angry with God and hurt by Debby and really am angry at her too cause she can say to me "i don't have a problem with like those" when i told her about how i couldn't get Paul and i didn't know what to do and i need her to advice me.

i mean wtf. what does she have that i don't?

ohhhhh elaine, damn, you really want me to count ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the ways?????????

There i verbalized it.... i want paul so i can go home and spit in the face of every one who said i couldn't.. but i guess i couldn't.. and sometimes i wonder if it's my personality that paul didn't like or was it anything else cause you know, he really shouldn't have offered friendship when he didn't mean it. I want to think that he liked me at least physically and then he knew that we just wouldn't get along. i don't know.

that's what i want to believe to be the truth but i really don't know. i wish i could ask him so.

I wear this bracelet i bought that has the word engraved on it "believe".... Sometimes i wonder believe in what?

You know, being here in California itself it all a dream come true.... Till this point, of being here itself, this is a dream come true, that i can never deny. but unfortunately you know, i never dreamt beyond coming here of what i what i wanted to do with being here...

And these days it's just a perpetual regret that i never lived my opportunity better.

I feel like I'm living on a flatline everyday for the past few weeks. This whole semester has been a slow decline towards a consistent flatline of my life. There's no progress, no growth, in any part of my life at all... not in my studies, not personally, not spritually, not in relationships even with friends, i mean seriously......... this is what flatlines mean, this is the meaning of stagnant.... and it really is...

And i feel really shitty and helpless. And like why is nothing happening as much as i try to make things happen nothing does. i just hate that. i just want something to happen i guess.... I just want something to move...

It's like... it's me bitching again... but you know... back then, at least i still had a part of my life to be happy about. At least if i was lonely, i still had friends. Or at least if my future was uncertain, my grades were still kick ass... Or at least if I didn't have a boyfriend, i didn't give a damn because i still had so much more to be happy about.

BUT NOW.

Damn! I feel like crap all over. I wake up and seriously, i have nothing to look forward to... All i think about is *pop* Paul wuahahahahha... then shit Daily Sundail stupid news assignments damn... then..... oh crap not yet finish my Japanese homework... and then that's it........ I keep thinking about sundail for the rest of the day of what i have to do and what i have to get through.... and that is it. That's it. There is nothing else in life.

that just sucks.


anyways... that's the Pacific Coast Highway (highway 1) in Malibu looking towards the Santa Monica Pier.... if you can see in the far background the thing that is protruding into the sea, that's Santa Monica Pier. When Satoshi used to be here, he'd take us/me around there.... It's like a 10 minute drive down the PCH towards Santa Monica. It's really beautiful there cause it's cloudy and gloomy all the time. Malibu is not as hip as you think it is, but it has some serene beauty that i like. Anyway, Pacific Coast Highway is the highway that streches through almost the entire California coastline from San Diego to San Francisco, i think. So if you see those movies with really cool shots of the Pacific Ocean and some fancy car driving down a winding road, that's probably the PCH.

I'm feeling a little shitty today. dunno why. discontentment with life i guess. the part about life that i hate the most is when you can't do anything about it to change it. that's the shittiest... so yeah, i am a little pissed off abt those parts of life.

so anyways, here haido-san and his beautiful lovely wife, megumi-san..... and YES HAIDO AND MEGUMI, don't anyway dare to think anything otherwise............ i found MORE pics of him and another girl... that B@$tard! damn, i am emotional... actually nah, he's too cute...

a cute guy a day takes the blues away.


I hope all your browsers would load this page properly.

well aparently this design does not work with firefox and MACINTOSH...... and it's best viewed in 1260 or something browser window.... hmmmmmmmmmm

alright... sorry for the lack of updates....

so well... i wrote a whole long blog and it got wiped out.... so i guess it's not meant to be.... lemme summarize then........

1) New Layout
Well.... to reflect my mood... i guess... The picture is from the Sayonara scene from the anime Rurouni Kenshin or Samurai X. It's the part where STUUUUUPID Kenshin leaves Kaoru and hugs her and tell her that "thank you for giving me a life i was looking for..... Sayonara... I must return to wandering again" and fucking ABANDONS her there crying....
I never like Kenshin anime version but for this ONE SCENE, i actually rate it higher than the manga version. I didn't think this scene was as powerful and poignant in the manga as it was in the anime... and they did a really nice touch with the fireflies and the coloring in the anime.... Also, they actually animated Kaoru's tears VERY well in this scene as you see the droplets of her tears falls as Kenshin embraces her, and then when she falls to her knees as he walks away with his back turned to her and she tries to grab out but she's immobilized and all she is capable of doing is kneel down and cry............. awesome scene............ makes me wanna shoot Kenshin.

But anyways... yeah.... i thought this was a really nice pic... then i was color adjusting it and i got the version that i have on the blog now and i think it's cool cause you still see the outline of her face and especially her tear...

But i feel this way these days cause i dunno..... i feel like crying.... almost every day.... and i'm really sad most of the days when i am in my new room alone, and you know.... nothing in my life is growing.... i just feel so stagnated and i feel like crying but that's all i can do you know.... cry alone in my room but there's no one to listen.... and there's no one to save me from my tears....

So yeah.... that's why this pic too i guess... and just happened that this pic really reflects how i feel lately.... and it's a cool pic too... don't you think?

And well.... the song that's playing is called Soraai by Every Little Thing... Next to Ai no Uta, this is my favourite ELT song.......

But dun worry.... if you want the Hyde song that was on the blog before this.... WELL...... Just click on Haido's pic! (btw, the song is gonna be up only for a few weeks so grab it now cause i don't wanna kill my website's bandwidth and webspace)



Ok... i am gonan blog more later about Paul and the Sundial (the school's paper i am writing for).... Paul cause erm... heh, well.... i saw him again at a party.... and well.... yeah... fuck my stupid weakling heart. and FUCK, why must he be sooooooooo damn cute that day!!! CRAPPPPPPPPPPPP!!! and why sundial...... well cause i've been really dissapointed with them.....

Anyways! since haido's pic is up.... Paul parts are gonna be too.... cause lemme tell u something first.... *teaser*.... when i saw him on Saturday...... damnnn part of me wants to say that he was actually cuter than Hyde.... in SOME pics.... seriously.... He was....... damn! *there goes my heartttttt*