into the void

I never said i'd take life lying down.


Hello Elaine,

Happy birthday! Nice to hear from you. Sorry you are feeling a bit low. I just did myusual activities this weekend, internet (just got DSL)music and TV, some shopping, and bike ride forexercise. Did go to the tennis match at Stapleslast thursday. Anyway, I would be happy tohave dinner with you this Friday, if you aren'tflying off to Florida or something.. I'll give youa call later this week (by Thursday).

Take care, Frank L.


WELL....... HAPPY NOW????? I DID take the innitiative.... and IS trying to forget Paul tho this guy look abit like him only older........ like wayyyyyyyyyyyy older........

but ahhhhhhhhh who cares... time to have some fun.

but sigh.... Paul ga suki desu...

ok... apparently there's a probelm with this layout too.... anyways...... this is what ur suppose to see:


if ur not....... please tell me so i can try to see what i can fix. i dunno why some browsers jsut won't view it.

Anyways......... feeling kinda depressed....... wahts' new.......

anyways..... a nice picture a day keeps the blues away....... so here are some things right now that makes me happy thinking abt it.



and oh yeah....


Alrites....

i hope everything will go well tomorrow and the day after and for this whole week....

"don't hold your breath cause you only make things worse"

SO! since no one could see the previous blog properly except me, i've changed the layout again.... Asian Kung Fu Generation this time. wooooooooo... yeap... picture is of them, music playing is also them called "Kimi no Machi Made".... don't ask me what it means cause nihongo wa sukoshi sukoshi wakarimasu... I can only understand LITTLE LITTLE japanese.... I think i am suppose to know the meaning of Kimi and Machi by now but erm..... no.... But damn it's a great song.... I like all their songs actually. Especially their older ones. Those REALLY rocked.

Oh yeah.... I think that words at the side with the Kanji and stuff, it's Mirai no Kakera.... ALSO one of AKFG's song...... I think i like that song the best, and the next song i love is called Compass... I love Compass more in the Live version cause damn, they sound so energetic. And the only character i can read in those 5 things is "no" cause that's hiragana right????? Ouh... and i think Mirai no Kakera is translated as fragments of the future? I know that kakera means fragments/pieces? and no is the posessive particle right? and then mirai is future..... so i don't get why it's not future's fragment........ cause if ani no shigoto is Brother's job... then why isn't mirai no kakera = future's fragment? hmmmmmmmmmmm........... AS I SAID: Nihongo wa sukoshi sukoshi wakarimasu!!!!

anyways....... erm here's a link to a Asian Kung Fu Generation website with some soundbite!
http://home.arcor.de/a.k.g/ go to the media section and they even have Compass there: Rashinban it's called. AND THE SITE IS IN ENGLISH TOO!!!!!!!!! Eigo desu!!

anyways......... this was how the PREVIOUS layout was SUPPOSE to look like.


so anyways, will post more later.

???? ? ?????? ????? ?? ????????? ????????? ? ?? ? ?????? ??? ?? ???????????? ????????? ? ????? ? ?????? ??? ? ???? ? ??? ?????? ????

Dear Paul,

Why do i like him, why do i want him to call?
I like him cause well... he's cute, haha...
You know that's probably true that the reason why i want him is soly... i guess, you knowm i don't want it to be purely physical either. That i do wish he'd called me and ask me out cause he does want someone- or at least, need.
I just hate it cause i can never get the guy i want and some girls can just have all the cake cause they put on their make up right and say all the smart things that guys like to hear but do they really love you? No, they're just fucking around with you, that's all. But what about me? I don't say the right things, hells i don't even put on make yp- but what you see is what you get and i don't fake it just to "win" you- when i say something and as stupid and disadvanged it is to me, i say it because i do mean it and i don't want to play any game of coolness with you- but i guess that's what guys want- they want to play a stupid game-
well then fuck you. just go and swallow your fucking pride and die with it for being such a stupid fuck. that's my take. so fuck off if you don't like me- but at least i am willing to give you what i really am inside.

I guess i am angry with God and hurt by Debby and really am angry at her too cause she can say to me "i don't have a problem with like those" when i told her about how i couldn't get Paul and i didn't know what to do and i need her to advice me.

i mean wtf. what does she have that i don't?

ohhhhh elaine, damn, you really want me to count ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the ways?????????

There i verbalized it.... i want paul so i can go home and spit in the face of every one who said i couldn't.. but i guess i couldn't.. and sometimes i wonder if it's my personality that paul didn't like or was it anything else cause you know, he really shouldn't have offered friendship when he didn't mean it. I want to think that he liked me at least physically and then he knew that we just wouldn't get along. i don't know.

that's what i want to believe to be the truth but i really don't know. i wish i could ask him so.

I wear this bracelet i bought that has the word engraved on it "believe".... Sometimes i wonder believe in what?

You know, being here in California itself it all a dream come true.... Till this point, of being here itself, this is a dream come true, that i can never deny. but unfortunately you know, i never dreamt beyond coming here of what i what i wanted to do with being here...

And these days it's just a perpetual regret that i never lived my opportunity better.

I feel like I'm living on a flatline everyday for the past few weeks. This whole semester has been a slow decline towards a consistent flatline of my life. There's no progress, no growth, in any part of my life at all... not in my studies, not personally, not spritually, not in relationships even with friends, i mean seriously......... this is what flatlines mean, this is the meaning of stagnant.... and it really is...

And i feel really shitty and helpless. And like why is nothing happening as much as i try to make things happen nothing does. i just hate that. i just want something to happen i guess.... I just want something to move...

It's like... it's me bitching again... but you know... back then, at least i still had a part of my life to be happy about. At least if i was lonely, i still had friends. Or at least if my future was uncertain, my grades were still kick ass... Or at least if I didn't have a boyfriend, i didn't give a damn because i still had so much more to be happy about.

BUT NOW.

Damn! I feel like crap all over. I wake up and seriously, i have nothing to look forward to... All i think about is *pop* Paul wuahahahahha... then shit Daily Sundail stupid news assignments damn... then..... oh crap not yet finish my Japanese homework... and then that's it........ I keep thinking about sundail for the rest of the day of what i have to do and what i have to get through.... and that is it. That's it. There is nothing else in life.

that just sucks.


anyways... that's the Pacific Coast Highway (highway 1) in Malibu looking towards the Santa Monica Pier.... if you can see in the far background the thing that is protruding into the sea, that's Santa Monica Pier. When Satoshi used to be here, he'd take us/me around there.... It's like a 10 minute drive down the PCH towards Santa Monica. It's really beautiful there cause it's cloudy and gloomy all the time. Malibu is not as hip as you think it is, but it has some serene beauty that i like. Anyway, Pacific Coast Highway is the highway that streches through almost the entire California coastline from San Diego to San Francisco, i think. So if you see those movies with really cool shots of the Pacific Ocean and some fancy car driving down a winding road, that's probably the PCH.

I'm feeling a little shitty today. dunno why. discontentment with life i guess. the part about life that i hate the most is when you can't do anything about it to change it. that's the shittiest... so yeah, i am a little pissed off abt those parts of life.

so anyways, here haido-san and his beautiful lovely wife, megumi-san..... and YES HAIDO AND MEGUMI, don't anyway dare to think anything otherwise............ i found MORE pics of him and another girl... that B@$tard! damn, i am emotional... actually nah, he's too cute...

a cute guy a day takes the blues away.


I hope all your browsers would load this page properly.

well aparently this design does not work with firefox and MACINTOSH...... and it's best viewed in 1260 or something browser window.... hmmmmmmmmmm

alright... sorry for the lack of updates....

so well... i wrote a whole long blog and it got wiped out.... so i guess it's not meant to be.... lemme summarize then........

1) New Layout
Well.... to reflect my mood... i guess... The picture is from the Sayonara scene from the anime Rurouni Kenshin or Samurai X. It's the part where STUUUUUPID Kenshin leaves Kaoru and hugs her and tell her that "thank you for giving me a life i was looking for..... Sayonara... I must return to wandering again" and fucking ABANDONS her there crying....
I never like Kenshin anime version but for this ONE SCENE, i actually rate it higher than the manga version. I didn't think this scene was as powerful and poignant in the manga as it was in the anime... and they did a really nice touch with the fireflies and the coloring in the anime.... Also, they actually animated Kaoru's tears VERY well in this scene as you see the droplets of her tears falls as Kenshin embraces her, and then when she falls to her knees as he walks away with his back turned to her and she tries to grab out but she's immobilized and all she is capable of doing is kneel down and cry............. awesome scene............ makes me wanna shoot Kenshin.

But anyways... yeah.... i thought this was a really nice pic... then i was color adjusting it and i got the version that i have on the blog now and i think it's cool cause you still see the outline of her face and especially her tear...

But i feel this way these days cause i dunno..... i feel like crying.... almost every day.... and i'm really sad most of the days when i am in my new room alone, and you know.... nothing in my life is growing.... i just feel so stagnated and i feel like crying but that's all i can do you know.... cry alone in my room but there's no one to listen.... and there's no one to save me from my tears....

So yeah.... that's why this pic too i guess... and just happened that this pic really reflects how i feel lately.... and it's a cool pic too... don't you think?

And well.... the song that's playing is called Soraai by Every Little Thing... Next to Ai no Uta, this is my favourite ELT song.......

But dun worry.... if you want the Hyde song that was on the blog before this.... WELL...... Just click on Haido's pic! (btw, the song is gonna be up only for a few weeks so grab it now cause i don't wanna kill my website's bandwidth and webspace)



Ok... i am gonan blog more later about Paul and the Sundial (the school's paper i am writing for).... Paul cause erm... heh, well.... i saw him again at a party.... and well.... yeah... fuck my stupid weakling heart. and FUCK, why must he be sooooooooo damn cute that day!!! CRAPPPPPPPPPPPP!!! and why sundial...... well cause i've been really dissapointed with them.....

Anyways! since haido's pic is up.... Paul parts are gonna be too.... cause lemme tell u something first.... *teaser*.... when i saw him on Saturday...... damnnn part of me wants to say that he was actually cuter than Hyde.... in SOME pics.... seriously.... He was....... damn! *there goes my heartttttt*

Dear All,

Thank you very much for all your kind words... touched my heart to know that people care about what happens to me...

I am ok now... physically.... i still dare to go for concerts (tho i have not been to any yet) but i think i am a little more paranoid these days. I have moved house to another house and a bigger room. my dad came over to take care of me for awhile... =)

Otherwise... i guess i am okay. i mean... stirred but not too shaken u know... And i still don't really sit down and ponder what happened cause i think it'd be too scary if i did that.

and as they say u know... life DOES go on and the sun still rises even if you don't really move as fast as life around you does.

I hope i will still be me... still as loud, still as anxious, still as desperate.... maybe still less cautious... but I don't know... i guess i just feel even lonelier these days....

Anyway, thanks alot for all the nice comments. it really touch my heart to know that all of you care *biggest hugs and kisses*

lots of love,
Elaine

I'm back. i'm waiting for matt from TBS to call. I MISSED HIS CALL!!!! HE WAS SUPPOSE TO CALL AT 3pm!!! NOT 2:40!!! I AM IN CLASS!!!!!!

ahhhhh shitttttttttttttt!!!

ohhhh

shite... i feel baad now... TBS justcalled... hehehehhe matt called but i had to reschedule my interview cause Matt didn't have much time left and erm.... he's too tired.... I feel bad tho cause now i have to trouble victory records again.... sighhhhhh

oh well that's it from me.

no internet in the new house.... sooooooo

i am withering, i am dying

halloween party this weekend.... paul might be there....

sigh

so well.... sorry for the lack of update.... firstly..... one thing that happened the other day on monday morning is that i got attacked at home.... not "attacked" according to the police.

It's not something I want to really talk about i guess.... though people say that i should. But the thing is that i can talk about it and i can tell you what i felt at that moment but i probably can't really tell you how i feel now because i still don't quite know.

I think I got over the shock of it just maybe like two hours later. I was feeling "alright". Methodically told friends about it, methodically went to do what i needed to do.

I don't know..

Well i guess what happend was taht around like 2am i was going to get my clothes from the dryer... And so i went out of my room.... As i was walking down the hallway, i heard a click and i looked back and saw the empty room door which was suppose to be locked open. And i thought it was the pressure at first. But i knew for sure that it was locked cause Aya and I had tried to go in last week. First i thought it was a ghost. yeap i believe in those. then it actually did occur to me that it would be an intruder so i got scared and decided to go back to my room instead.
I was scared a little at that point and i went into my room but as i went into my room I decided to take a peak at into the empty room just abit. THe way my door opens up it that i faces the empty room door.
Just as i peaked into the room, i saw a guy emerge from behind the door. It was Sam the guy who used to steal stuff from us. And actually i got abit scared and thought i better get into the room ASAP... then i dunno why i instinctively said "what are you doing here?"

And then suddenly he just pounced/came towards me and i fuckign freaked out and tired to close the door but his hand caught me on and i screamed "HELP ME!!!!" and he paniced and grabbed by mouth but i managed to scream more.

You know to think about it.... my house mates and the cops think that he came into the house to get something.... but to think about it.... you know what? I'm really scared that i was actually his target.... Cause you know.... I asked him "what are you doing here?" and i got scared and the thought flashed through my mind 'elaine, he's gonna hurt you.' and i immiediately tried to close the door but that's when he pushed it open and came towards me and i fucking yelled out HELP ME!!!!!!! and then that's when he grabbed my mouth to try to shut me up and but he couldn't do it too well and i yelled even more. when he grabbed my mouth i tried to push him away and close the door but he pushed it opened even more and pushed me into the room but cause my room is fucking messy i couldn't get in that much anyway and i fell to the floor where he tried repeatedly to grab my mouth to shut me up and he tried to close the door behind us so no one would see us but i still screamed like hell. I think instintively when i fell to the floor i tried turning away from him so he couldn't put his hands around my mouth so i could shout even more.

I remember at this point when I got pushed to the floor and he tried to grab my mouth and he was grabbing my mouth and he was trying to close the door, the one thought that came to me was like "shit i can't believe it that this is gonna happen to me. the one thing that i just felt might just happen IS GOING TO HAPPEN." and i got into shock and i got really sad and shocked and all that all at once cause i was just like oh mannnn i'm gonna get raped or assulted who would have thought i mean it was always at the back of my head but i never thought it would really happen you know. But thank God I still could scream and i was really scared that i could not scream and i knew my housemates were in and i really hope they'd hear me. Then I guess he knew i screamed too much already so he got scared and fled.

And i guess that's what happened.... and the thing was that, i wasn't freaked out scared liek how i'm afraid of ghost. But i was shaking....

And i don't think it has hit me yet waht really happened and the thought of what might have happened. cause i mean, considering, i am damn calm and alright about it even now, you know what i mean.

And like maybe the caffine really helped that day cause i was drinking alot of coffee and i didn't know if i was feeling that shaking in my heart because of the caffine or because of the shock....

What i am fuckign scared now tho is that i sometiems feel that he might have came in to harm me and not to rob the house.

Because the thing is that... he could have kept hiding in the room till i went back into my room and i would have never seen him.
And the other thing is that, why did he have to grab me? it wasn't provoked. I mean, i wouldn't have done anything to him anyway. I'd just have gone back into my room. Why couldn't he just let me do that? why did he have to grab me?

And you know, i guess i really don't want to think about what might have happened if he really did manage to push me into the room and shit, if my room WAS clean (which it should be actually) and i didn't have like a mountain high of shit piled in front of my door, what would have had happened you know. I don't know and i am too scared i think to think about it.

I guess I do live in Los Angeles after all, huh?

I don't know... in a way, i think i'm a little changed after that. As small as it was.... cause i don't know why, i just can't be unfased about this.... Usually if soemthing shitty happens, i usually in the end get really angry or apathetical about it like 'oh well whatever nevermind'... for the past two days, i just can't seem to say that anymore... I jsut can't seem to say 'oh well whatever, nevermind'... everything i do say 'oh well' or like even accept it as a fact of life that it shit happens..... i feel like i am lying to myself for belittling the incident... i just feel that it's not something i just can say 'oh well' or 'fuck it' as i usually would have.... i don't think i can for this one..... and i just don't know how to find my strength from this... and all i can do is to be normal, go out and do normal thigns like my reporting, and laugh like i always do which i do.... but i guess if you can say... deep inside, i'm still in shock and i've not really come to terms with what had happened.

You know the shit thing was that, i actually once had a dream or a thought that something like this would happen. I had a dream that while i was showering, two of my ex housemate's friends(the black guys from last time) would come in and grab me in the shower.
And just last week i just kept feeling like this guy Sam was going to break into the house and i was even wondering to myself if the doors and windows were secured enough to keep him out. Cause the thing is taht for a few weeks I've been hearing someone running in the backyard or like someone trying to open the side doors.

And i guess that's why i'm quite u know... to think that it actually DID happen though nothing absolutely terrible happened. Isn't that shit?

And the shit thing is that i feel soooo damn tired yesterday and today cause i hadn't slept much and all i want to do is go home but i can't cause i need to wait for a friend and i want to sleep at home but i can't cause i can't go anywhere alone...

You know to tell you the truth, i am scared of walking alone at night like even on campus, cause he probably is around here. or anywhere else.

and the shit thing is taht, i AM a very carefree person, Paul is right, i am fucking laidback person. but that's the shit, after this, i jsut feel an inability to rest u know. i think my heart still have a constant anxiousness it in lately... like it'll beat faster and fuck it's not because of Paul or KEITH or whatever... it's just scared. or something. or i don;t know maybe just nervous.

and that's jsut fucked up cause i am a carefree person and i liek being that way....

Anyway, Asian Kung Fu Generation rocks... i am in love with the singer, he's so fucking cool (in this live clip) ohhhhhh fuck!!! my hard drive is fucking dead i have to redownload that stupid torrent of thier live show...... oh man that jsut sucks. ALRIGHT! the torrent is STILL alive... gonan grab it tonite when i go back "home" fuck new apartment i haev to go apply for stupid cable and all taht on my own again...... *sigh*

u know it DOES suck i lost like 7gigs of information because my external drive is dead. DAMN make that 20 gigs!!!! cause i had 160 gigs and damni was down to 130 gigs....... OH FUCKING HEART BROKEN. WTF!!!