ひとりの夜もそばにいようぜ　君と僕の歌を歌う

NOVEMBERSおめでとうー

Wow. The new NOVEMBERS album needs digesting. And I think I mean that in a good way. It’s most definitely a huge break from their previous stuff. I’m definitely no music connoisseur, but it’s like a lesser version of NIN meets... wha? I mean this in a good way. 

The album is titled Angels but the sounds conjure anything but. Unless said angel is a fallen one (￣▽￣)

It’s like a collection of distortion and noise, or- “what music can be birthed in this distortion and noise, let’s figure that out”.

And why’s Kobayashi still so angry? He has like a what? 4-year-old kid? Daughter at that! He should mellow down, haha ^^;

The titular track “Angels” has a bit of 70s Beatlesque British Rock going for it, and sans the distortions is totally NOT representative of the album’s overall sound.

Closing track “Everything” has a really 80s pop (?) feel.

I think most easily accessible tracks would be Angels, Everything and

Although, I think... I might actually prefer the other tracks because they’re more bold and they push the edge of noise that I think NOVEMBERS is trying to take with this album.

The mellower tracks skirt at the periphery, and contains elements from previous sounds. While safe, I feel they lack the guts to make them stand out in an album that screams noise and distortion to the nth degree.

Anyway, this is just the first listen. This album definitely isn’t easy listening. Will take time to process meanwhile.

The first one I read was The Fire Line, by Fernanda Santos and the second one was Granite Mountain, by the only survivor of the crew Brendan McDonough.

The Fire Line was... quite factual. In terms of what happened at the fire line where the crew died. But I think 1/3 of the book was background and profile stories of some of the crew members, especially the superintendent Eric Marsh (whose decision, ultimately, led to the deaths of his crew). All were painted in good light, naturally.

Brendan’s book was, well, very personal. More like personal anecdotes I guess. All of the crew, of course, were described to be nothing but flawless and impeccable.

What these two books painted was a picture of Eric Marsh that was beyond reproach. He sounded like a good man, a person who invested in others, who believed in his crew and all-around a great firefighter and leader.

Then came On The Burning Edge. 

I wasn’t gonna buy and read another granite mountain book because really, there’s no conclusion to why the men died. In the end, it’s been concluded that it would be never understood why the men left the safety of black (burnt out area) to go into a box canyon where they ultimately died because there are no living survivors. So there really was no point reading another book.

But, I had a long two-day weekend haha and needed to kill time coz I didn’t want to think about Hoshino, so i decided to buy the book.

On the Burning Edge is turning out to be quite different from the other two books.

I’ve not finished it yet but it is telling a lot more untold stories of the crew leading up to the deadly fire.

I think what I found interesting about it was its focus more on the temporary superintendent, Stead, and not on Marsh.

It’s very interesting to see how the book talked about Stead’s style of management as opposed to Marsh and also the fact that was not revealed in the other two books that it was Stead that had been leading the crew more in the months leading to the deadly fire.

I think this is significant because basically the crux of the incident and the unresolved question that led to the deaths of the crew was basically what happened between Marsh and Stead.

Basically, before the entrapment, Stead and the crew were safe in the black, while Marsh was scouting.

It still remains a mystery why the crew ended up in the box canyon where they died and also, no one else fighting the fire even knew where Granite Mountain was.

It’s been debated and there has been no conclusion what happened between Stead, whom the crew was with and Marsh, and what happened between the both of them that led to the crew following Marsh’s command to get out of the black and into the deadly box canyon.

So, this book On the Burning Edge, was actually really good in illustrating the difference in leadership style between Marsh and Stead. It’s also really interesting that this book brought to light that the new rookies were basically more used to working with Stead than with Marsh.

On top of that, I had no idea that, actually, the deadly Yarnell Fire where the crew died was actually Marsh first fire with the crew for that season.

The other two books totally didn’t show that Marsh was completely absent from the crew that whole season, so basically, the current crew was actually more accustomed to working with Stead, not Marsh.

I think this is a very crucial piece of information in order to understand objectively the dynamics that might have doomed the crew.

Today I prayed to God about. 

Today I was thinking about things and I felt God absent, distant, forsaking.

It’s probably because I myself who’s been neglecting God but I felt God so silent and just so not at all present the past few weeks in terms of the whole thing with Hoshino.

I wasn’t even praying for anything but I’ve just been asking for help from God for things to be better between Hoshino and I... but things just kept falling further down and down and kept getting worse like there was just no rock bottom to how bad it can get.

And I felt God was so completely absent in this because it was like He was completely not there, not hearing at all all my pleas for help.

The whole thing with Hoshino has just been eating me up for so many weeks and yet even though I asked God please help, please just let things be okay, He was just silent.

And this morning thinking about the whole thing, I just felt God’s complete absence.

So there’s that part.

And then there’s the Hoshino part.

After calling him TWICE yesterday and both times he didn’t even pick up my call, it was really over, you know?

And this morning I woke up feeling even shittier than I did last Monday after my crying and running away from Hoshino and Utsunomiya on Sunday.

Coz... his not picking up my calls and he didn’t even return my calls means that he really wants nothing to do with me now. It really means I had truly fucked up and fucked yo for real this time. Because the ball is in his court and he’s not playing. It’s like whether his “anger” towards me was perceived only by my paranoia and securities, by him not responding to my call NOW, now that I made the first move for a peace offering, really meant that he didn’t want to talk to me at all anymore, at least for the time being.

And I felt so wrecked today more than I was last week because this time, it was absolute.

And so, in my wretched state, I could do nothing more than just cry to God, to beg God. And I prayed for God to grant me the desire of my heart. For God to help make right all the wrongs I’ve made. I prayed for the desire of my heart, not for Hoshino, but just for Hoshino and I to be like we were before. I begged God to fix what I had broken.

And while I was praying I was thinking about how we should pray with expectation that it has already been given. I didn’t quite know if I believed that.

But I begged God anyhow for help. For help. For help. For the desire of my heart- right or wrong. For His help. Because there’s no other Help that can make any difference.

But I begged Him, with the same desperation I always do.

Although I’m not sure if I was begging for something different.

And then a few hours later, Hoshino called back.

I decided to not bring up anything from last week since I didn’t want things to be bad again. So I just pretended to be my usual cheerful self, completely pretend like nothing last week happened, and just asked him out again.

Anyway, conversation went okay. He was a bit taken aback that I had still asked him out and he did feel reluctant to go out (well after the emotional garbage I threw at him, I shouldn’t blame him for being reluctant!). But we got talking and he seemed okay and we ended on an okay, peaceful note.

So it means I can still listen to silaph’s songs 10 years for now and not have to regret shit.

So that said.

God.

I don’t think God answered my prayers positively just to answer.

He’s ALWAYS answering, just not the way I want him to.

And His answering negatively to my always begging for help made me just feel God was absent and distant and aloof, not even there.

But I don’t think God is good just because He answered the way I asked, God is good all the time regardless of whether we got what we prayed for.

But I think God answered positively this time as an assurance that He is there. He’s always been there and he’s still here and he’ll always be here.

It’s just my own lack of perception and understanding and also my own distance and abandonment of God that made me feel His void.

So I think God wanted to remind me that He’s here, and He does care, and He does hear.

So, thank You, Lord, even though the failure has always been mine, not yours and never yours.

Help me to see, Lord. To see your presence in the my perception of the absence of your response to my desires. Help me, Lord. Help me to understand your help when your help is not what I think is help for me.

I think... I feel like I’m like Peter who suddenly falls into the water and almost drowns and calling out to Jesus, Lord! Save me! 

God is still eye rolling I bet.

Mannnnnnn what did she think?!?!?! About the intensity between her and Tim??? (Guitars I meant, guitars)

Tim posted it first and Charlotte reposted it. It’s cute he replied haha.

It seems nice he was in Australia for the New Years when Charlotte was there too. And met up with her the day after his birthday too!

Ash’s tour to Australia was back in November.

So it seems like he espressedly went back Australia just for a few days for the New Years.... while Charlotte was there ;)

Heh.

I mean, it’d also mean they’re communicating outside of work, right? Coz there’s nothing Charlotte-Ash going on now, but he knew she was in Australia and even made plans to shack meet up.

Ahh....

In the Gilovny world, these kind of coincidences would have send a atomic sized shockwave through fandom and be taken as absolute proof that Gillian and David are indeed.. a married couple.

I mean seriously. Fans would go crazy. My tumblr would explode. (￣▽￣)

Anyway, seems like Charlotte posts only once a year about Ash and Tim, and Tim only twice in his 4 years of IG.

I think Charlotte was in LA recording and Tim........... came over from New York to hang out...? Hmmmm!

Anyway.. it’s cute that after being booted out they still hang out after all these years.

Anyway one last pic! This is what Ash is to me.

Family indeed.

I guess the Dads are Tim and Rick hahaha..

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Note: Tim was in Australia in January because his current beau is Australian. She’s hoooooot!